Feeling a little bummed out that tampons are still not recognized as a basic necessity by the federal government and are being taxed as a non-essential good? Me too! That’s why I paid Weston from Alpha Sugma Nuts $6 to hand-deliver me tampons on an orange scooter, just so I can say to myself, “Well, I might only get 78 cents for every dollar, but at least I’m not this guy!”
When this new food delivery service came to campus, I thought to myself, “Cool, another pyramid scheme that capitalizes off of the financial ineptitude of gullible students.” What I didn’t realize was that this particular pyramid scheme could convince white men with a superiority complex that scooting and tooting around the block delivering me Seventh Generation Overnight Ultra Pads during Shark Week would be a great side hustle. Plus, it’s a great new addition to the resume, right between their last internship at Dad’s consulting company and their philanthropic experience as Social Chair at Beta Bofadeez Pi.
Sometimes I find myself feeling burdened by the model minority myth, feeling as if Stephen King’s critically acclaimed novel Carrie was going down in my uterus, or folding under the relentless pressures and expectations of what our current society pushes me to be. In those darkest moments, I know I can find some form of reparations in booty calling Trevor at 11:48 PM to remind me that at least I can pay this white boy to bust down Durant at 10mph with a lil orange baggie filled with Super-Plus Absorbency, Anti-Slip Grip Tampons.
So I want to say thank you to our Scooter Boiz. If it weren’t the demographic that washes down live goldfish with a nice, warm shotgun of a Natty Lite delivering the reinforcements to my Red Wedding, it would be a more overly-exploited, marginalized group that’s already way too familiar with the phrase “hegemonic systems.”
For those of you who are looking to do more, especially Your Best American Girls in Delta Ligma Balls, keep flirting with Shane when he arrives looking like an Imperfect Foods carrot on a two-wheeler. Even though we both know that that shade of orange was never made for him, at least it’s not you wearing it, and we can all find some peace in that.