In a win for women everywhere, Unit 2 RA Jessica Poole has just written up some freshman for alcohol possession.
Horse Tranquilizer Reportedly “Only Way to Relax” After Long Week of Sitting In Bed Staring at a Screen
The Free Peach doesn’t condone drug use. Well, maybe we do, but only if you’re cool and most certainly not if you’re in Greek life.
Organizers Plan to Make People’s Park a Regents’ Scholar So the University Actually Respects It
The decades-long battle against the university over People’s Park is gaining traction once again, aided by a new initiative to make the park a Regents’ Scholar.
Frats Stop Counting at Seven COVID Cases
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite anecdotal evidence of fraternities being COVID hotbeds, a report by the Interfraternity Council suggests otherwise. “Stop lying to the people, dude,” …
Eye of Sauron Appears Over Campanile, No One Cares
“Oh boohoo, the ruler of Mordor is now looking at everything I do,” sarcastically exclaimed sophomore Derrick Quincy. “My TikTok For You Page is clearly based on things I say out loud, and Bcourses can monitor how much time I spend on their website. I clearly don’t have any privacy, why should I care if Sauron is looking at me too? At least he’s upfront and honest about it, unlike everyone else.”
Campus Libraries Ranked by How Cool Their New Vermin Overlords Are
Louie, the snake who does coke, lives here. I think he may have worked the desk pre-Covid? Anyway, he’s a slippery, legless asshole but he did invite me to his family’s lake house that one time.
Fire on Frat Row: Six Injured After Refusing to Stop, Drop, and Roll on the Sticky, Beer-drenched Floor
“This girl, Becky. Her leggings were on fire. I yelled at her to stop, drop, and roll, but she just turned around calmly and told me, ‘Oh my god… no… you want me?… to roll?… on that disgusting floor?’”
Cal Football Announces 2021 Giveaways
BERKELEY, Calif. — With hopes of having Fall 2021 games be attended in-person, Cal football has announced its giveaway lineup. This upcoming season’s giveaways include …
Study Shows 60% of Your Friends Went Skiing During a Pandemic
“At the current rate, we expect skiing videos to take up a startling 92% of Instagram stories by 2022.”
Berkeley Acapella Groups Eager for In-Person Fall 2021 So They Can Finally Return to Being Ignored on Sproul
fter plans for an in-person Fall 2021 semester were announced, acapella groups across UC Berkeley rejoiced at the prospect of once again being able to perform for, and be overlooked by, the masses on Sproul Plaza.