2020 has been hard. Pandemic is upon us, democracy is crumbling, and you haven’t gotten slammed over the handicap support bar of a Buffalo Wild …
Clark Kerr Freshman Reports Understanding Poverty for First Time After Running Out of Flex Dollars Mid-Semester
BERKELEY, Calif. — Julia White, a freshman living at Clark Kerr who recently ran out of flex dollars, reported that, for the first time in …
Jennifer Doudna Claims Nobel Parking Spot in the Middle of Bancroft
BERKELEY, Calif. – Southside traffic reached a record high this week as Professor Jennifer Doudna parked her car across every lane of Bancroft Way. “Try …
DEAD BODY REPORTED: Cal Crewmate Suffering From Imposter Syndrome is Sabotaging Our Team
CAROL CHRIST (purple): Hello crew. Unfortunately, I am here to report that I found a dead crewmate in admin. I personally am able to do …
LeConte Hall To Be Renamed After Exodia, the Forbidden One
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following the renaming of Boalt Hall, UC Berkeley has turned its attention to other controversial buildings on campus. “LeConte Hall was originally …
Society Fixed! Whole Foods Doesn’t Tolerate Racism
BERKELEY, Calif., — Amidst the drudgery of 2020, anyone could use a little light amidst the darkness. Today, this takes form as political action carried …
BCR President Eagerly Files Lawsuit After Eric Trump Prohibited to Speak at Campus
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley College Republicans President Chase Thompson announced he is filing a lawsuit against UC Berkeley for preventing Eric Trump from speaking at …
Men’s Rights Activists Announce the Opening of El Burrito Across the Street From La Burrita
BERKELEY, Calif. — This morning the Berkeley Meninist Collective (BMC) announced the opening of their new Mexican restaurant, El Burrito, directly across the street from …
Urgent Advisory Message: Marc Fisher’s Night Light Is Out And He Needs Somebody to Change It
BERKELEY, Calif. — In his latest public safety update, Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher has informed the Berkeley campus community of another impending hazard. “Dear faculty, …
Zeus to Punish Greek Life for Hubris
BERKELEY, Calif. — Havoc broke out Saturday as a KA brother unleashed unknowable power upon his peers. “Who hath dared to party-foul Zeus, Ruler of …