Louie, the snake who does coke, lives here. I think he may have worked the desk pre-Covid? Anyway, he’s a slippery, legless asshole but he did invite me to his family’s lake house that one time.
Fire on Frat Row: Six Injured After Refusing to Stop, Drop, and Roll on the Sticky, Beer-drenched Floor
“This girl, Becky. Her leggings were on fire. I yelled at her to stop, drop, and roll, but she just turned around calmly and told me, ‘Oh my god… no… you want me?… to roll?… on that disgusting floor?’”
Cal Football Announces 2021 Giveaways
BERKELEY, Calif. — With hopes of having Fall 2021 games be attended in-person, Cal football has announced its giveaway lineup. This upcoming season’s giveaways include …
Study Shows 60% of Your Friends Went Skiing During a Pandemic
“At the current rate, we expect skiing videos to take up a startling 92% of Instagram stories by 2022.”
Berkeley Acapella Groups Eager for In-Person Fall 2021 So They Can Finally Return to Being Ignored on Sproul
fter plans for an in-person Fall 2021 semester were announced, acapella groups across UC Berkeley rejoiced at the prospect of once again being able to perform for, and be overlooked by, the masses on Sproul Plaza.
Successful First Day of Class! Wealth & Poverty Student Takes Perfect Picture of Professor Reich for Instagram Story
While the Instagram story post was ultimately a success, Ryan explains that the journey to that perfection was a bumpy road. Although the image of Reich could be clearly seen, the bottom text displaying his name was blurry, as his iPhone camera failed to focus property.
Liberal Arts Graduate, Of Sound Mind and Body, Drinks a Glass of Dairy Milk (More to Follow)
“Adam, my sweet baby called, and… and… he said that he was drinking a glass of cow’s milk. At first I couldn’t believe it. I made him repeat it again. ‘COWS milk, you say?’ I whispered. ‘A whole glass?’ How could one be so cavalier about discussing their deplorable vices? While talking to their own MOTHER?”
UC President Michael Drake Intends for Fully In-Person Kicking Your Ass
“I was a professor of ophthalmology for decades, so I can guarantee: all you’re gonna see is hands.”
Chancellor Christ Declares She is The Academic Senate
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking power move, Chancellor Christ has proclaimed that she is the Academic Senate. “Frankly, the senate is in shambles at …
Santa Claus, of “Christmas” Fame, Dead at 52
“Santa died doing what he loved: being dangerously near fire while trespassing at a stranger’s house,” a representative said in a press release.