BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid the ongoing pandemic, universities across the country are changing their graduation plans. “UC Berkeley’s commencement ceremony is no light fare,” said …
Late Night Texts from UCBWarnMe Making it Hard for Quarantined Cal Student to Get Over Not Being with Campus Anymore
Like many of the other quarantined Cal students, Christine Waters had spent many nights missing campus. She was handling the break-up pretty well for a …
Admissions Board Releases the Kraken from the Waitlist
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a huge move for campus diversity, the UC Berkeley Admissions Board has opted to admit its first Pacific Oceaner student. “Down, …
Oh Yeah, Totally: UC Berkeley Students Lose Competitive Edge Because Classes Are P/NP
In an unthinkable turn of events, the university’s recent move to default classes as “Pass/No Pass” has wreaked havoc far and wide on the one …
In Lieu of Tuition Relief, Carol Christ Offers Each Student an Otter Pop
BERKELEY, Calif. – Recognizing the hefty price tag of an inadequate education, UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ has announced an update to the university’s …
Amid Shortages, Kink Club Switches from Latex Gloves to Leather
BERKELEY, Calif. – Kink Club President Philip Cox laid out sweeping changes for members of Berkeley’s sauciest social club at their latest meeting. “The COVID …
Berkeley PD Cybercrimes Division Tracks Zoombomber IP Address to Washington Elementary
When administrators decided to move the UC Berkeley faculty and student body towards “remote learning” in this last month, many obstacles were expected. While …
Carol Christ Consults Ouija Board to Make Decision About Graduation
BERKELEY, Calif.— Chancellor Carol Christ of the University of California, Berkeley, recently consulted a ouija board to make a decision about the institution’s upcoming graduation …
Cal Zero Waste 2020 Finally Succeeds After Students Abandon Campus Amidst COVID-19
BERKELEY, Calif.— “We finally did it!” The heads of Cal Zero Waste 2020 have declared victory. Zero waste has finally been achieved. I recently had …
Berkeley Linguists Discover Hypothetical Second Response to Being Asked “How Are You?”
BERKELEY, Calif. – A research team at the UC Berkeley Department of Linguistics released a watershed report early Friday morning positing the existence of a …