BERKELEY, Calif.— “We finally did it!” The heads of Cal Zero Waste 2020 have declared victory. Zero waste has finally been achieved. 

I recently had the privilege of interviewing the leaders of Cal Zero Waste 2020. “We always thought that by doing very little and pushing the zero waste deadline back a year the problem would solve itself. Turns out we were right.”

I asked them how the club ultimately achieved its long-time goal. “It was honestly really simple,” they said. “At a club meeting, we were discussing how we could promote Cal Zero Waste when we had an epiphany. If Cal Zero Waste introduced COVID-19 to Cal, the university would probably shut down and send all the students home. And we don’t want to brag or anything, but we were totally right.”

“By having all the students move back home Cal’s waste shrunk drastically. In terms of reducing food waste, our strategy of preventing people from being able to eat at the dining halls has been remarkably effective. Additionally, with all the students gone, people aren’t mixing up which bin to put their trash in anymore. The university’s electric bill is at an all-time low along with the school’s heat bill. We couldn’t be happier here at Cal Zero Waste 2020.”

I was wondering how zero waste would be sustained when the students came back. The leaders explained the club’s plans for UC Berkeley’s future. “You’re right,” they told me. “If students moved back to campus, our waste would shoot back up. That’s why we created a petition to have Berkeley stay permanently online. Our endgame is to destroy all the campus buildings and replace them with redwood trees. A tree is much more sustainable and far better for the environment than a building. People always say Evans is ugly. Let’s convert it to something beautiful that’s actually good for the planet.” 

They told me that Cal Zero Waste 2020’s dream is to make Berkeley the #1 public online university in America. “The University of Phoenix and don’t know what’s coming for them.”

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