Don’t let the capitalist propaganda fool you! Count Olaf was no villain. He was simply a Marxist trying to redistribute capital from a nepotistic family to less fortunate often overlooked communities.
We Tried It: No Nut November
The mission: Last an entire month without eating any nuts or nut-adjacent products.
Frozen 2: Man Arrested for Having Sex with Olaf Doll in a Supermarket
The Olaf doll was promptly destroyed after the Florida man’s acts, sending a signal to Floridians statewide that doing things like that is not okay.
Beauty Routine Includes Wearing a Lanyard Like a Lost Freshman to Stay Youthful
I’ve tried countless anti-aging serums, under-eye creams, and even botox. But nothing has ever made me appear so youthful as wearing a lanyard like a lost Berkeley freshman!
Miracles Happen: Assignment Completed Early
We at The Free Peach would like to mention that these events happened last week, not this week.
$400 Noise Cancelling Headphones Purchased to Avoid Confronting Roommate About Having Sex While He Thinks Everyone’s Asleep
“I can hear my asshole neighbor screaming ‘Thank god everyone’s asleep! I needed to nut so badly, baby.’”
Carol Christ Announces Huge New Construction Project: “It’s an Ant Farm. We’re Finally Going to Do Something With All of These Ants.”
She turned to our staff writer with sudden anger, “It’s all these crumbs.”
Heartwarming: SAE Member Converts to Judaism so he can Miss Class on Rosh Hashanah
We at The Free Peach are personally looking forward to shadowing Mr. Murray, soon to be Chadberg Michaelberg Murrayberg
Spotify Playlist to Listen to as Your Laptop Gets Stolen
Our specially curated playlist features the exact songs you want to be listening to as you turn your attention away from your laptop and someone swipes it and drives away in a car.
New Study Finds Cigarette Smoking Linked to Wanting to Get the Fuck out of Conversation
Fortunately, with the Air Quality Index at the level it is right now in Berkeley, you no longer need to buy cigarettes- all you have to do to get that sweet, sweet buzz is stand outside for 30 seconds.