“To be honest, we knew [Sabin]’s whole ‘quality loss’ thing was a crock of shit,” the advisor said. “But he’s polite, he understands basic hygiene, and his parents have donated $100,000 to the department every semester since he transferred here.”
Subject Of Future Manifesto Just Thinks Of Tyler As A Friend
UC Berkeley sophomore Maya Paredes admitted to friends and colleagues that she only thinks of classmate Tyler Ebner as a friend, blissfully ignorant of the fact that she serves as the sole basis and inspiration for the incel manifesto he will one day write.
Speaking Next at UC Berkeley: Literally Anyone, I Guess
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last three years, you know that Berkeley has a history of stirring up controversy with some …
Third Wave Feminism Expands: Women Against Daylight Savings Time
Sojourner Truth, Susan Anthony, Gloria Steinem, Oprah Winfrey, Emma Watson, Polly Parkinson. Oh? You don’t recognize the last name on that list of iconic and …
Opinion: I Don’t Keep Snap Streaks With Conservatives
So for all you out there like me, I urge you, take a stand! Fight for what you believe in! If you were a real liberal, you wouldn’t Snapchat him back!
5 Reasons Why Count Olaf Was a Marxist
Don’t let the capitalist propaganda fool you! Count Olaf was no villain. He was simply a Marxist trying to redistribute capital from a nepotistic family to less fortunate often overlooked communities.
We Tried It: No Nut November
The mission: Last an entire month without eating any nuts or nut-adjacent products.
Frozen 2: Man Arrested for Having Sex with Olaf Doll in a Supermarket
The Olaf doll was promptly destroyed after the Florida man’s acts, sending a signal to Floridians statewide that doing things like that is not okay.
Beauty Routine Includes Wearing a Lanyard Like a Lost Freshman to Stay Youthful
I’ve tried countless anti-aging serums, under-eye creams, and even botox. But nothing has ever made me appear so youthful as wearing a lanyard like a lost Berkeley freshman!
Miracles Happen: Assignment Completed Early
We at The Free Peach would like to mention that these events happened last week, not this week.