Brave Cal Freshman Drops Alpha Phi Because “Pledging is sooo tough!

Flowers, stuffed animals, candy, and constant hugs- the demanding pledge process of Sororities across America. Truly a great experience of sisterhood for all girls. However, some girls can’t live up to the heat.

Sara Lee of Alphi Phi recently dropped because as she said “Pledging was wayyyy too hard.” Throughout her week as an Alphi Phi, Lee charged Alphi Phi with “emotional and physical distress.”

Lee describes her first day as Alphi Phi. “OMG. I was so excited XD XD. I was like, wow, me, an Alphi Phi, who would’ve thought! Well, I already knew because I’m a SPICY Mamma. But, when I got to the house, I only got 25 photos of myself. I mean, seriously? Only 25, I’m no Heidi Klum, I’m still a ten.”

However, this tormenting stress on Lee began to take its toll. What started out as harmless, soon became life-changing

“The $500 hand moisturizer my big gave me, which wasn’t even Prada by the way, made my spray tan go away. I mean, seriously? Just because all the  FIJI boys like me because of my personality doesn’t mean I can let myself go like this” lamented Lee.

When told about Lee’s loss of spray tan, Brad from FIJI responded, “Wait, that was a spray tan? Either way, she might as well transfer at this point.”

The lack of attention and physical abuse she suffered, caused her to drop Alphi Phi. This was an easy choice according to Lee, but luckily, her soon to be sisters didn’t take it too badly.

“We’re fine. Everything’s fine. Fine. Fine. Fine,” stressed Aphi social chair Cher Horowitz. “We have many amazing, beautiful girls, that are much better qualified to handle the pressure of being Alpha Phi than Sarah.”

Horowitz was later heard murmuring to her sisters “Reesce Witherspoon’s daughter drops us on the first day of rush, and now we lose Sarah?!?! We’ll be lucky if we get bids from KDR.”

After the news of Lee’s drop emerged, other girls began to follow her steps.
“Lee is a matyr to us [pledges at Aphi]. She stood up for what is right”  said Gigi Hadid, Lee’s pledge sister said, “It’s not easy being this pretty. Without our recommended dose of daily compliments, appreciation posts, and gifts, we could lose everything- our clout.”

With more and more girls dropping their sororities at Cal, the PHC is in a state of emergency.

“We no longer have enough girls to attend frat’s ‘social events’” said PHC president Cindy Crawford, “Frats are starting to hang out with each other. And becoming friends. How horrible!”

Despite this newfound problem in Cal Greek Life, Lee was mad that we switched attention from her problem to a much larger one.

“I’m the victim here!” exlaimed Lee. Upon eight more hours of discussion, Lee left us with a sombering note.

“I deserve respect and attention. That’s why I’m taking my talents to Zete. I plan to pledge Zete in the Spring. And anyways, I heard their pledge process is easy compared to Aphi’s.”

Throughout all this, one thing is clear. Greek life is not for the faint of heart. You need to be multi-talented, intelligent, witty, kind… Nah, just kidding. You just have to be white.