BERKELEY, Calif. – In a long-awaited team-up between two all-star administrations, UC Berkeley has officially announced the beginning of their collaboration with the federal government – and they’re giving away over 150 names of staff, students and community members to celebrate!
“We just wanted to reward members of our campus for being so engaged with the current moment,” said Cal spokesperson Boo T. Licker, “and what better way then to make sure the federal government knows just what a great job they’ve been doing! Winners will receive personalized and highly collectable emails, which when opened, notify them that their names have been submitted to the federal government for an even more exclusive prize drawing. We still don’t have, uh, all the details on that, but Secretary of Education Linda McMahon promised she’ll get back to us – right after Wrestlemania.”
Administrators at UC Berkeley are thrilled by the potential of this collaboration.
“We’re thinking big – Cal x Fed merch, Fed representatives tabling on Sproul, and so much more! This is really a great way to honor our university’s ideals, mission, and long history of ensuring campus protestors feel like all eyes are on them,” said Haas Professor and appointed head of the collaboration S. Pyneless. “And competition for the top spot is fierce! I don’t want to name names,but we have some incredible candidates who’ve really been going above and beyond to make sure they’re at the top of the list. Peyrin Kao, members of SJP, anyone who knows what a “keffiyeh” is…honestly, it’s going to be tough to get them all. And we’re just getting started!”
Unlike your average lame-ass boba collab, the UC Berkeley x Fed pop-up has a potentially unlimited supply of these one-of-a-kind email notifications, and the resources to ensure that all winners are found, notified, and investigated as soon as possible.
Want a chance to enter and win your own unique email complete with your name, address, social security number, and internet search history? Although the criteria for entry is a highly guarded secret, we have it on good authority that simply saying the words “Free Palestine!” on campus is an excellent way to get your name out there.