SAN FRANCISCO BAY, Calif — On a rather chilling evening, to the dismay of all of Berkeley, a tragedy struck once again: Ditto.AI was planning another yacht party. This casualty, which came as a shock to no one— there were enough flyers posted on Sproul to deforest the Amazon—was felt by headaches across the Berkeley campus.
Anticipation of this havoc was met by an influx of online Shein orders, a clearout of Costco’s seltzer aisle, and a couple of boxes of Trojans—that sadly all went unused.
When asked about how this calamity was affecting the community, tenured Deputy Officer Delores Biggsakk reported, “We’ve seen many horrific crimes in Alameda County from the Police Department. “The worst crimes committed are the claims that this will fix your love life. It won’t. You’re still bitchless. And drinking away your sorrows on a boatload of bots with bottomless booze is not going to fix it.”
After being extracted from doing blow in SAE’s living room, Rich Lyons appeared outraged when informed that the website’s founders had discontinued their education to build their company, stating, “These motherfuckers dropped out of Berkeley to do what? Another damn startup? What are they selling, let me guess, an app that will change my life?”
When told to check himself, Lyons responded with a more composed, respectable response, “I’m glad this was brought to my attention. This is one of our biggest issues on campus. Not AI startups, no, but the sheer lack of play at this institution.”
As flyers have found themselves on every available campus surface and LinkedIn posts into every unemployed student’s sad Feed, the question remains ambiguous about what truly happens at these parties. With no explanation other than posters of half-naked bad bitches, what might this night entail?
With yet a single success story, the answer remains unclear. Some frazzled invitees claim something of “stopping on an island”, but refused to comment any further via email.