GLASGOW, Scotland — After a two-week climate summit, world leaders made the bold decision to allocate 7.2 trillion thoughts and prayers towards the climate crisis. …
Freshman With Late Enrollment Left With Only Classes from University of Phoenix
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unfortunate turn of events, freshman Elliot Hogg was left taking only online classes from the University of Phoenix after having …
Haas Student Swears His Dream Job Is Making Numbers Go Up With Excel
BERKELEY, Calif. — In shocking testimony from Haas student Newt Roberts, he asserted that his dream job truly is sitting at a desk, making numbers …
5’10″ Man Negotiates Himself Another Two Inches
BERKELEY, CA— In a shocking feat, local 5’10′ Berkeley man successfully convinced peers he is actually 6ft.
“All women care about is height,” Phi Psi Junior Andrew Short claimed. “I was at this party, and this girl came up to me and we started talking. As soon as I mentioned my height during my rant about how all women are shallow, she lost interest. I’m telling you, being 5 ’10” is a curse!”
Following Parents’ Weekend, Students Count Down Days Until Next Seeing Jake’s Mom
BERKELEY, Calif. – The Berkeley student body quickly fell into a deep depression after realizing that it would be another year before their next encounter with Jake’s mom. Her presence this year had caused quite the disruption at many of the planned Homecoming events.
“At the Parents’ Weekend Sportaganza on Memorial Field, all eyes were on her,” Tom Marsh of Rally Committee said. “Nobody even paid any attention to the main event: a fight to the death between Oski and forty-three allied freshmen. The audience was too transfixed by her presence: mature, yet seductive. Heck, a buddy of mine on the ASUC financial committee says that every restaurant she visited experienced a 112% surge in popularity!”