OLD BAY, Md. — Thousands of crabs marched sideways to the polls Tuesday in order to let their cancrine voices be heard by electing The …
IT’S OVER: Someone Sat in My Unassigned Seat
It was a beautiful morning. I was greeted by the sounds of the birds chirping, my alarm blaring the Kars 4 Kids song, and my …
Superb Announces Enrollment Time Slots as Next Giveaway
BERKELEY, Calif – To the relief and surprise of students across campus, ASUC Superb announced on Monday its next highly anticipated student giveaway: class enrollment …
Massive EEG Attached to the United States, Scientists Amazed by Complete Lack of Brain Activity
ZANTHRON, Ullrstar Galaxy– In an exclusive press conference on Zanthron-67, intergalactic scientists revealed their findings on the baffling medical anomaly occurring on planet Nova-3 (commonly …
Oh Fuck Oh Fuck Oh Fuck Oh Fuck Oh Fuck Oh Fuck Oh Fuck Oh Fuck Oh Fuck
WASHINGTON D.C – Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck …
The Free Peach’s 2024 Election Endorsements
BERKELEY, Calif. – With every election season, The Free Peach’s Editorial Board endorses candidates and measures relevant to its readers. Our endorsements rely on thorough …
Continuing the Halloween Spirit? Project Partner Still Ghosting You
BERKELEY, Calif. – Trick-or-treaters and rave-goers alike were shocked at the stunning dedication to Halloween that occurred today on campus, ranging from the furry club …
Guy in Skimpy Costume Has His “Halloweenie” Out
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a brave display of borderline public nudity, Chi Psi brother Grant N’Pants wore a skimpy yet also somehow unrecognizable costume to …
Satan Bested by 21-Year-Old TikTok Witch
BERKELEY, Calif – Reports surfaced this past week of Satan, also known as Lucifer, being ousted from his regime as ruler of Hell by a …
“Why I Am Not Running for President,” Explains Bob Avakian to Empty Auditorium
BERKELEY, Calif. — All six members of the Revolutionary Communist Party (REVCOM) have flocked to Sproul Plaza in order to campaign for their non-campaigning candidate …