NEW YORK CITY – After enrolling in NYU Stern this fall with a concentration in “interpretive capitalist philosophy and Big Money,” Barron Trump revealed that …
OPINION: I Think You Think You’re Better Than Me
As the semester continues to roll into a never-ending hell, the only thing more toxic than the air vents from Main Stacks has been the …
Awesome! Protest Against War Crimes Perfect Career Opportunity for Journalism Student
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following a year of Israeli war crimes in Gaza, hundreds of students gathered on Sproul to protest the atrocities committed and UC …
Bless Her Heart! Woman Still Says ‘ChatGBT’
BERKELEY, Calif. — A hush fell over UC Berkeley’s Interpreting Shakespeare class this past Thursday morning as third-year Bea Hind inadvertently revealed her academic integrity …
UC Berkeley Ranked #1 Public University Again Despite You Specifically
BERKELEY, Calif. – Shockingly, a separate group of old white dudes has made a separate decision to rank UC Berkeley as the top public university. …
Watch Out, Zodiac Killer! True Crime Podcast Host Celebrates Reaching Double Digits on IQ Test
BERKELEY, Calif.–– True Crime Addicts everywhere, from dank parent-owned basements to beige-colored home pilates studios, are celebrating their favorite podcast host’s newest accomplishment. Ash of the True Crime Addict podcast recently went to instagram to announce the news that she has retaken her IQ test after undergoing intense educational therapy and has come out the other end with an entirely different number – sweet sweet sixteen! In the midst of her celebration and achieving eligibility for the State Drivers License exam, Ash has made time to sit down with us and answer our burning questions.
“Well—lots and lots of blocks were involved. Some had numbers, some were shapes and you had to fit the shapes into holes—it’s making my head hurt just thinking about it. Clearly the hard work paid off though,” she declared while struggling to count the fingers on her hand.
Former Gay Romance Short Film Actor Gives Speech Against “Transgenderism”
BERKELEY, Calif. – Last night, failed actor turned right-wing commentator Michael Knowles gave a speech on campus about “eliminating transgenderism,” 12 years after starring in …
Yay! I Dragged Myself Out Into Nature Just to Be on My Phone the Whole Time
Just after classes were finishing and the beautiful sunset swathed campus into a golden hour glow, I found myself serendipitously exploring the natural areas of …
“At Least I Was On TV!” Says Student As They Pass Away From Heat Stroke
BERKELEY, Calif. — Proving that Cal students have game once and for all, Saturday marked the first time in history that UC Berkeley appeared on …
Social Impact Consulting Club Signs Exclusive Deal with Lockheed Martin
BERKELEY, Calif. – In an absolutely shocking but also entirely predictable turn of events, new social impact consulting club Renewal Strategies has announced a 5-year …