BERKELEY, Calif.– In UGBA 135, Business Administration sophomore and “Tycoon Consulting” social chair Jake Thompson was seen falling to his knees in Chou Hall after …
Kendrick Lamar Concert Scheduled to be Interrupted by Chiefs and Eagles Game
On Sunday, February 9th, the world will sit back and watch the culmination of a battle that’s been brewing since the summer of 2024: Kendrick …
Princess And The Pea? Kingman Girl Finds Soybean Under Her Mattress
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Rea Cycling awoke Sunday morning with mild back discomfort, only to uncover the culprit: a lone soybean hidden beneath her …
Report: American Cultures Requirement Expected to End Racism by 2030
BERKELEY, Calif. — Despite claims of “reducing all systemic injustice to a 3-unit P/NP class,” a new report from political think tank colorBLIND suggests Berkeley’s …
Little Special Snowflake Uses Rockridge BART Station Instead of Downtown Berkeley
BERKELEY, Calif. – While most residents of Berkeley use the Downtown Berkeley BART station to commute to and from the city, little special snowflake and …
UC Berkeley Archeology Students Discover Remnants of Cafés 1 & 2
BERKELEY, CA.– A heating lamp, a silver serving tray, and questionably cooked eggs. These priceless artifacts were discovered by a team of UC Berkeley archaeologists …
‘Trump Just Runs the Economy Better,’ Says Man Who Failed Econ 1
AN AMERICA THAT’S GETTING GREATER BY THE SECOND – Confidence was in the air as Jeremy Smith waltzed out of his first Econ 1 class …
Grinch Credited with Saving Christmas
WHOVILLE – Thousands of Whoville residents gathered in the plaza on a frigid Monday to unveil a new statue honoring local hero, “The Grinch.” The …
The Free Peach Sues Instagram For Fucking Up Our Post Previews
One day of bullshit is already far more than we as a society should tolerate — that’s what the Dalai Lama told me in a …
DNC Cancels Jimmy Carter 2028 Presidential Campaign
WASHINGTON, D.C – After searching for a young, dynamic, and relatable candidate to be the new face of the Democratic party in the 2028 presidential …