Picture this in your noggin. You’re walking with your friends in a horizontal line so it’s really annoying for people to bypass you and then, …
OPINION: Why is it Called ‘Sweater Weather’ When it Hasn’t Rained Sweaters in Over 50 Years?
It’s that time of the year again – leaves falling off shivering trees, rain and clouds keeping a perpetually gray sky, temperatures dipping so low …
Student Blown Away by Consulting Club Promo
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid the buzz and crowds of tabling at UC Berkeley, eyewitnesses on Tuesday reported Berkeley freshman Otis Jennings flying approximately ten feet …
OPINION: February 29th Exists, It’s Just 5’6” and Does Improv. You Just Need to Get To Know Him Guys, He Has a Nice Personality
Great. You’ve done it again. Another year of acting like I don’t exist. What do you call it again? A “leap” year? I’m literally 5’6”, …
A Failure Of The Education System: This School Of Fish Has A 0% Literacy Rate
GULF SHORES, Ala. — As states like Alabama and Mississippi ban the discussion of ‘divisive topics’ such as ‘not being homophobic’, America’s fragmented and nonuniform …
OPINION: You Think You Have Imposter Syndrome? I’m an Invasive Plant.
Not only am I part of a foreign species, frequently labeled as “invasive” or a “fire-promoter” or “ugly as fuck” or “something a CNR student wants to spit on, chop down, burn to a crisp, and drown in herbicide,” I also can’t even do what I was brought here for. I am a complete failure, I do not belong here.
Lawrence Lab Releases Statement Apologizing for Misuse of Weather Machine
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following an abnormal snowfall in Tilden Park early Friday morning, Lawrence National Lab has come forth in a statement to confess their involvement.
Pope Francis Announces Beer is Now Jesus’ Blood and So Is Pink Whitney
“Miei cari amici, the Cardinals and I have deliberated, and have decided on a modernizing reform for communion. Whereas historically, we have considered only vinum to be sanguis Christi, we were forced to re-read the text for our R1A requirement, and we realize that really, ‘wine’ just referred to any alcoholic ferment – so we’re extending communion to include beer, and even Pink Whitney too.
Slay Queen! I Just Committed Regicide!
SHAKESPEAREAN LONDON, England — Here ye, here ye, thou doth not yet heard of the news, the queen is dead, and someone just confessed. “Slay queen! I just committed regicide!”, said thee O murderer Agatha Dick.
BREAKING: The Clitoris Found on Wuhu Island After Years of Hiding
WUHU ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – In a press conference today, Interpol announced that they had located The Clitoris, identified in hiding on Wuhu Island.
“It took a several-years-long effort by many of our top investigators,” relayed Interpol Chief, Dev Inatili-Aman, “but we found it. It was hiding in a cave in [Inatili-Aman is interrupted by snickers from the reporters]. What? What’s so funny?”