BERKELEY, Calif.— “I have information that will lead to the arrest of William J. Clinton.” These are the last known words of Grinnell, the beloved …
OPINION: Don’t Use Piazza Unless You Studied in Rome
I get it. You want to learn, so you ask questions. Here’s the thing, buddy: the only thing you need to learn is how to …
Games of Berkeley Now Selling Russian Roulette
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to better market to UC Berkeley Students, Games of Berkeley has started selling Russian Roulette. “The board games aren’t …
As Gasoline Prices Soar, Should I Stop Huffing It? Our Experts Say No.
The price of gasoline has skyrocketed in recent days, burning a weirdly irresistible smelling hole in consumers’ wallets. I have been particularly hard-hit; no, I …
UC Berkeley WarnMe: AVOID THE AREA OF Doe Library (I’m There and Look Really Good, so I Don’t Want You to Feel Bad)
Please note this message will definitely contain information that you will find upsetting. On 04-04-2022 08:30:00, I looked hot outside Doe Library. At approximately 09:25:00, …
Daily Campanile Concerts Renamed “Clock and Bell Torture”
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley will rebrand its daily carillon performances to attract a younger, edgier audience, according to an official statement made by the …
Reconciling With April Fools’ Day’s Problematic Depictions of Fool Culture
At The Free Peach, we love April Fools’ Day as much as anyone. Many of our staff are self-identifying fools and/or fool allies, and we …
Student Miraculously Cured After Professor Deems Them “Not Really Disabled”
BERKELEY, Calif. – After years of begging for disability accommodations, campus super-senior Ash Jensen was miraculously cured of their chronic illness when their philosophy professor …
Frat Almost Kills Pledge as “Postmodern Commentary on Excess and Hedonism of Contemporary Society”
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following a recent hazing incident in which a freshman pledge almost died, Tau Gamma Rho junior and HR representative Bryce Chuck claimed …
Putin and Carol Christ Share Enthused Fist Bump Over Displacement of Innocent People
BERKELEY, Calif. — During a surprise visit to the Bay Area, Russian President Vladimir Putin and UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ met to discuss the …