WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., received bipartisan backlash after he seemingly advocated his own assassination. “My fellow loyal patriots — I urge you …
Republican Informs Guy Robbing Him He Doesn’t Have to Wear a Mask Anymore
BERKELEY, Calif. — A Republican man robbed at gunpoint earlier today reported that his assailant refused to take off his mask, despite the fact that …
Student in Intro to Tamil Suddenly Feels Pressure to Pronounce His Own Name Correctly
BERKELEY, Calif.— “Oh God, oh fuck,” were the only words sophomore Tirunavukkarasar Thamilselvan could muster last Wednesday when he was suddenly asked to pronounce his …
End of an Era: Carol Christ’s Voice Actor Has Been Fired
BERKELEY, Calif.—Shock and heartbreak swept through the City of Berkeley as UC Regents announced that Carol Christ’s longstanding voice actor, Eden Zalahmi, will not be …
Study Finds the Caffe Strada Barista Hates You Specifically
BERKELEY, Calif. — Upon collecting data from multiple Strada Baristas, scientist Riya Chatterjee has confirmed that the Caffe Strada Baristas hate you specifically. “No, the …
“You Come Here Often ;)?” Asks Project Partner on Shared Google Doc
THE INTERNET — UC Berkeley sophomore Kevin Nguyen mistook his lab group’s shared need to pass ME 108 for something more this week. “Haha hey, …
Hypocrite Alert: Berkeley Administration is All About “Student Wellness” Until I Need a Wire Transfer of $12,000 Immediately So I Don’t Get Both of My Legs Broken by Donnie “Thumbs” Carlo
Day after day, Berkeley students’ inboxes are flooded with emails referencing “Berkeley Student Well-Being.” Campus administrators seem to be incredibly invested in the students’ livelihoods, …
BREAKING: River Of Scum Oozes Out of Haas Business School (Also, Water Line Broke)
BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the …
Stanford Version of CALPIRG Raises $10K to “Kill All Them Turtles”
STANFORD, Calif. — After a recent fundraising event, Stanford University’s environmental activist group STANSHART found they had raised over ten thousand dollars to “kill all …
8 “Crimes” the Woke Mob Will Cancel You For
1. Arson
Man’s built it for millennia, but now broken society says fire has to stay in a designated area. What would you even call that? A “fire place?” Look who sounds stupid now.