BERKELEY, Calif. – Students and faculty alike were shocked last week as students were bombarded with several UCPD alerts detailing armed robberies and grand-theft gasoline. …
Rodgers’ Legacy Almost Complete: QB Throws Tantrums, Misinformation, but No Complete Passes
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recent publicity stunt, infamous Cal quarterback Chase Garbers, came searingly close to mimicking Cal football alum (’04) and Greenbay Packers …
Free Speech Movement Derailed by Wario Savio
BERKELEY, Calif. — Activists at the University of California, Berkeley have found that the Free Speech Movement’s efforts of the past 60 years have been …
Garbers Comes Out Against Testing, Including His English Final
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a difficult-to-parse Twitter rant posted earlier today, Berkeley quarterback Chase Garbers came out against both COVID testing and, for some reason, …
Climate Summit Reaches Radical Conclusion, Allocating 7.2 Trillion Thoughts and Prayers
GLASGOW, Scotland — After a two-week climate summit, world leaders made the bold decision to allocate 7.2 trillion thoughts and prayers towards the climate crisis. …
Waitlist to Deepthroat Oski’s Cock Grows Longer, as Does Oski’s Cock
BERKELEY, Calif. — Recent reports from CalCentral confirm that, as of last Friday, the waitlist for UGBA 69 (“Deep-Throating Oski’s Massive Cock”) has grown to …
Report: Kindles Are Actually Very Cool and the People Who Use Them Have a Ton of Sex
BERKELEY, Calif. – A new, highly factual study has emerged illustrating that the elite few who read using Kindles are actually very cool and have …
Freshman With Late Enrollment Left With Only Classes from University of Phoenix
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unfortunate turn of events, freshman Elliot Hogg was left taking only online classes from the University of Phoenix after having …
Top 2 Campus Fountains I Have Vomited In
Few things unify the Berkeley student body. Sure, rushedly ignoring Sproul donut salespeople, feeling despair at missing the 51B, and regretting trying that new Trader …
Neighborhood Creep Once Again Refuses To Put Razors In Halloween Candy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following months of speculation and anticipation from his neighbors, one local man has, for the fifth year in a row, insisted upon …