1. Slutty Oski Oski is the scariest mascot in America. He eats children, students, and parents alike. He terrifies the other football team, though not …
Professor Crawls Out of His Own Asshole to Hold Your Midterm a Day After Halloween
BERKELEY, Calif. – For the majority of mischievous adult adolescents far and wide, the final days of October are a time for using silly brainiac …
Spooky! The Tinder Match You Ghosted Three Months Ago Reincarnates in Your DM’s
BERKELEY, Calif. — Recent weeks have witnessed the resurrection of otherwise dead text conversations in recent weeks, students report. “It was the most cursed thing …
Halloweekend Lineup to Include ‘Super Hot Chicks and Culturally Appropriating Dicks’ Party
BERKELEY, Calif. – After a long-winded brainstorm session, the Berkeley Interfraternity Council came to the exciting conclusion that “Super Hot Chicks and Culturally Appropriating Dicks”-themed …
OPINION: Why I, a Man, Am Dressing Like a Slut This Halloween
As we continue to reject the limitations of gender and the patriarchy, I pose the question: why have men been denied their inalienable right to …
Ecologists Concerned Rains Diluted Strawberry Creek’s Natural Strawberry Flavor
BERKELEY, Calif. — Ecologists at the University of California, Berkeley, are concerned that the past week’s atypical heavy rains have disturbed the local ecosystem. “Getting …
Hearst Museum Celebrates Halloween by Hiding 9000 Human Skeletons Under a Swimming Pool
BERKELEY, Calif – Halloween is just around the corner and the Hearst Museum of Anthropology isn’t one to miss out on all the spooky fun! …
Society Finally Sexualizing Asian Men Due to Fictional Game Where They All End Up Dead
LOS ANGELES — Thanks to the sensational worldwide Netflix hit Squid Game, our society has completed a full 180, effectively putting an end to the …
Haas Student Swears His Dream Job Is Making Numbers Go Up With Excel
BERKELEY, Calif. — In shocking testimony from Haas student Newt Roberts, he asserted that his dream job truly is sitting at a desk, making numbers …
Three Minutes Added to Berkeley Time for Untangling Headphones
BERKELEY, Calif — The UC Berkeley administration took a historic leap this Monday, announcing a new policy in the age of Zoom-school: “Berkeley Time,” Berkeley’s …