There comes a day in every tween’s life where they begin the dangerous journey to caffeine addiction with the gateway coffee drink: a frappucino. Although admittedly delicious, that piece of garbage has more sugar in it than Buddy the Elf puts on his spaghetti.

But I’m not here to shit on tweens for being horrible, I’m here to confront my fellow adults who still believe in destroying the purity and integrity of coffee.

Coffee was invented in the late fifteenth-century in Ethiopia when a man noticed how energized his goats became after indulging in some of the coffee beans on his property. It has since become an integral part of many cultures and communities across the world and has continued to be a method of connecting with others. I drink my coffee how the Ethiopians intended it to be. Everyone who ruins their coffee by adding various kinds of sugar and cream is simply appropriating this culture. Cultural appropriation is wrong, and therefore your “iced white chocolate soy latte” is racist.

I understand that some people are weak and therefore cannot handle the flavor of black coffee. Fortunately for me, I am not one of those frail individuals. I know how to appreciate the subtle hazelnut flavors in the natural roast and take in the warm aroma of the freshly brewed drink. I drink coffee how it’s supposed to be consumed.

Frappuccinos are the Chris Christie of politics.

Look, I’m not saying that one should be denied their rights to put some cream and sugar in their coffee, I just want to relay the message that doing so automatically makes them inferior. Every single ingredient added to the coffee after it is brewed is toxic to mankind. I have never once in my life heard of a health benefit to eating sugar or drinking milk, so why would one disgrace the coffee community by turning something so pure and delicious into something so corrupt and disgusting.

My proposal: burn all Starbucks to the ground. Starbucks is the birthplace of the cultural appropriation towards the coffee community, and therefore, it must be stopped. We shall meet at the flagpole on campus at midnight and complete our mission from there. By reading this, you already know too much and thus are obligated to help carry out this plan. Leave no man behind.

This is our mission to help the inferior coffee consumers break their unhealthy habits. I know what is best for them.

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