Holy fuck! (Literally.) U.C. Berkeley freshman Alyssa Vásquez, 18, has been commanded by God to lead the Israelites out of bondage after getting sexiled from her Unit 2 triple yesterday afternoon.

After walking into (and then almost immediately out of) her 13’9”x13’2” dorm room that she shares with two constantly-horny roommates in committed relationships, Vásquez was called upon by God, ∞, to lead the chosen people of Israel in a mass exodus to Canaan.

Vásquez claims that she was walking aimlessly on Haste St. when she was struck by a white, blinding light, at which point she doubled over on the sidewalk and passed into an extrasensory state of simultaneous terror and bliss.

“One moment, I was just walking down the street thinking about how Shane Dawson kind of fucked his cat, and the next I was pledging to deliver the believers to the Promised Land,” said Vásquez. “I’ve been bumping the Prince of Egypt soundtrack to get pumped for the Plagues, and fuckin’, let me tell you— all bangers.”

They ARE all bangers! And Vásquez isn’t the only one excited about splitting the Red Sea and leading the Israelites to the base of Mount Sinai.

“אני לא זין החתול שלי. אני לא בהצטיינות על החתול שלי. אני לא שם את הזין שלי בשום מקום ליד החתול שלי. אייב מעולם לא עשה שום דבר מוזר עם החתולים שלי” said God in an exclusive interview with The Free Peach. “. הבטחתי לעצמי שאני לא הולך לעשות התנצלות קטעי וידאו לאחר שנים האחרונות דבר כל כך im רק מנסה להיות קצר וישר עם זה ככל האפשר”

Alyssa’s roommate couldn’t be reached for comment, but, honestly, props to her for needing dick so bad that she indirectly delivered the Israelites. Thus saith the Lord, hunty!

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