BREAKING: After beating out Bernie Sanders in the Iowa Caucus, Pete Buttigieg announced that he is, in fact, an interstellar lizard wearing a human skin suit. He revealed the shocking news due to his campaign’s heightened concerns about “transparency.”
“As the DNC’s new Joe Biden, whom I will not out as being either lizard or non-lizard, I realize that in order to fulfill the wants of the CIA – I mean the American people, I must be completely honest,” stated Buttigieg, “my species has ruled over the world for hundreds of years, and we feel that it is best that I come clean.”
Buttigieg’s team hopes that this news will help the South-Bend mayor garner a more diverse group of supporters, as his current backing stems mostly from fellow reptiles who control the DNC.
“I love that lil’ Mayor Pete guy,” beamed native Iowan Mary Evans, “who knew that he was a space lizard!”
The reptilian revelation directly follows news of his financial involvement with Shadow Inc., whose app crashed and delayed the results of the Caucus for two whole days.
“The app was supposed to make it seem like we weren’t in control,” answered Buttigieg, his round black eyes glinting ever-so-slightly, “but when Twitter collectively discovered my involvement with Shadow, I decided to lean into the conspiracy and prove the Bernie Bros right!”
Buttigieg went on to say, “I figured that if the media wanted to paint me as a villain, I might as well lean into it. I am a lizard-person, and I am damn proud to be one. Bow down, meek, skin-covered meat vessels.” Bystanders watched in awe as Buttigieg proceeded to shed his skin and scurry away from the podium.
When asked whether he felt like he could still secure the Democratic nomination after this revelation, Buttigieg smugly responded: “I already won the nomination, plebeians.”