BERKELEY, Calif. — After four hard years of studying the environment and why it is important to protect, graduating Rausser student Talullah Messmacher commemorated her …
Pope Leo XIV to Install St. Peter’s Basilica’s First McDonald’s
VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo XIV made his debut as the world’s first American pope, promising to demonstrate his dedication to the Catholic faith as …
The Free Peach’s Pope Endorsements
VATICAN CITY – After the passing of the first non-European pope, Pope Francis, the Vatican has begun the search for his replacement. As a satirical …
BREAKING: The Free Peach Under Investigation By Federal Government
BERKELEY, Calif. — Since President Trump’s inauguration, academic and journalistic institutions have been repeatedly attacked for failing to comply with the new administration’s expectations. While …
Lovebomb Alert! Acquaintance Puts Me on Close Friends Story
BERKELEY, Calif. — As some young lovebirds were enjoying their sickenly-sweet Valentine’s Day, several Instagram users had their love tested upon discovering that acquaintances they …
Professor Spends Another Valentine’s Day Alone in Office Hours
BERKELEY, Calif.— As his clock struck 5:30 PM without a single student entering, Professor Milton Keyton concluded yet another completely empty office hours, only to …
Tsunami Warning Canceled After Old Tweets Resurface
BERKELEY, Calif. [Formerly Atlantis] — Public officials have cancelled Thursday’s tsunami warning after discovering the Warning’s problematic Twitter account and equally problematic tweets, sources with …
What Your #1 Artist on Spotify Wrapped Says About You
LOS ANGELES – Following Spotify releasing users’ annual Spotify Wrappeds today, music experts from Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, and the deepest sweatiest corners of 4chan have …
LEAKED: Memo Shows Trump’s Prospective Cabinet Picks
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With only two months to go before President-elect Donald Trump is inaugurated for his second term, he has begun to announce his …
Crabs Show Out in Droves to Vote for Seafood Boil Party
OLD BAY, Md. — Thousands of crabs marched sideways to the polls Tuesday in order to let their cancrine voices be heard by electing The …