BERKELEY, Calif. — Although taking one’s studies seriously is typically regarded as important, sophomore Elizabeth MacDuggen believes that her ‘toxic’ boyfriend and medieval studies major …
Opinion: Everyone Get Off Eduroam, I’m Trying to Play Clash of Clans
Selfish students everywhere are hogging any shred of the already barely-functioning campus wifi that they can get their grubby mitts on, and it’s depriving me …
Report: Lecture Great Time to Get Literally Anything Else Done
BERKELEY, Calif. — After opening the discussion for questions during Tuesday’s lecture, Professor Gopal Jhaveri was left utterly speechless at the lack of speech from …
Bipartisan King? McCarthy Reaches Across Aisle to Get Both Sides to Hate Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following an excruciating nine month tenure, California Republican Kevin McCarthy has been ousted by his party members and enemies (which overlap quite …
Foreign Language Professor Will Feel My Wrath as Soon as I Get Vocab and Grammar Down
BERKELEY, Calif.– Japanese professor Manko Wareme was in for a shock Monday, after coming back from the weekend to an irate yet incoherent, poorly-structured, and …
REI Carabiner Not Strong Enough to Keep This Lesbian Couple Together
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley sophomore and distinguished lesbian Gloria Bilitis was seen crying earlier today at the Berkeley Ironworks Climbing Gym after having a literal …
Futuo! Students Forced to Build Rome in One Day for Ancient Architecture Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. — AGRS 139 students everywhere were seen scrambling this morning after receiving an email from Ancient Architecture Professor Marcus Cognomen detailing their midterm …
Rookie Mistake: Polite Student Stuck Holding Door For Eternity After Being First One Out of Lecture
“JUST when I think I’ve got my opening, another student comes by! I could leave and just let someone else takeover, but wouldn’t that just be rude to all the other people that I didn’t stay to hold the door open for?”
Awkward: Robert Reich Just Revealed How Shitty Your Essay was to his One Million Twitter Followers
“In all my years of teaching, and being an advisor to President Obama, and being an advisor to President Clinton, and to Carter, Lincoln, Washington, one, two, skip a few, and finally Lucy the Ape, I have never seen a policy memo this insulting!” the esteemed Professor Reich wrote, “which makes sense, given that my GSIs are the ones who usually grade everything.”
Student Who Joined Club Realizes They Have to Actually Contribute Now
Freshman Edgar Fontaine, after staring at a blank, blindingly white Google Docs document for 2 hours, came to the grappling realization this evening that the club he recently joined entails doing actual work.