QUIZ: Should You Go Out Tonight or Should You Question the Meaning of Human Existence Alone in Your Room Like a Sad Little Loser?

Happy Friday! Woo hoo! Finally, after a long, hard week, you can let loose. Tonight is all about having a good time. Like those people you overheard earlier talking about some ‘big party.’ That sounds fun! Maybe you should go? It could be awesome. But it could also be super lame. Don’t worry: just take this quiz.

Lost Your Clipper Card? Here’s  4 Phone Numbers We Called That Told Us To Fuck Ourselves

2. The Student Transportation Office: (510) 643-7701
Don’t be fooled by the name– like Voltaire said, “This office is neither for students, nor transportation, nor an office.” There is no telling what response you’ll get – they might replace your lost card, but not without a $25 fee that completely negates the notion of a free bus pass. And if you complain? There’s a tried and true response that they’re not afraid to roll out: “go fuck yourself.”

Self-Care Hack! Don’t Eat or Sleep or Rest At All Until Your Body Completely Shuts Down

According to the mother of the “sick self-care” movement, student influencer Alyssa Lin, the hack only has one simple step: “Just focus on the other things in life, and your body will manifest its own health,” said Alyssa. “Inner body saunas will raise your temperature to a nice factory reset level, and that’s when your body will take over and make the manual rest.”

10 Things To Do During the 10 Minutes of Sexual Tension While Waiting for the 51B Across from Trader Joe’s

You do your usual business, wink back at the cashier, then make your way back to the bus stop on University Avenue. Your heart drops when you see four other twenty-something-year-olds wearing the same TJ’s tote bags by the same bus stop, all looking down on their phones. You arrive, and the sexual tension rises. Sound familiar?