BERKELEY, Calif – Following TPUSA’s penultimate event on the Berkeley campus, tensions remain at an all time high as peaceful protests quickly devolved into what …
Loser Freshman Still Doesn’t Have Date for Homecoming
BERKELEY, Calif.– While the brothers at AEPi are getting moms drunk at seven A.M. this morning, mega loser freshman Tommy Tinklepants woke up to the …
BREAKING: Monday Class to Start with Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. – Due to totally foreseeable and controllable circumstances, many Monday classes are accommodating the two weeks worth of missed classes by having students …
Graduating Rausser Student Tosses Out Confetti Alongside All Principles
BERKELEY, Calif. — After four hard years of studying the environment and why it is important to protect, graduating Rausser student Talullah Messmacher commemorated her …
Pope Leo XIV to Install St. Peter’s Basilica’s First McDonald’s
VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo XIV made his debut as the world’s first American pope, promising to demonstrate his dedication to the Catholic faith as …
‘I Don’t Think the P-Value Is Significant at All,’ Says Stat 20 Student Drenched in Urine
BERKELEY, Calif.– At a recent Stat 20 final exam review session, freshman Bahd Kydnee enthusiastically answered “no” to a GSI’s question about whether the p-value …
Locked in? Hardworking Student Still Stuck in Moffitt
BERKELEY, Calif – Since the closure of Moffitt (fan-favorite yapping spot and alleged “library”), students around campus have been forced to procrastinate literally everywhere elsewhere. …
Haas Students at Cafe Think Not Doing Any of That
BERKELEY, Calif. – After a hard day of scrolling Instagram reels, learning multiplication tables, and saying “synergy,” Haas students astounded the rest of the Berkeley …
The Free Peach’s Pope Endorsements
VATICAN CITY – After the passing of the first non-European pope, Pope Francis, the Vatican has begun the search for his replacement. As a satirical …
Berkeley Co-op Rats Stage Crawl Out in Protest of Rent Increase
BERKELEY, Calif.– Following yet another controversial rent increase for the human Berkeley co-op residents, rodent residents of the co-ops are in an upsqeuak. Besides the …