“Don’t Stop Believing,” Journey’s seminal, ‘80s anthem, has long stupefied the world of music scholarship with the cryptic midnight train going anywhere. However, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley have, through a grueling investigation, determined that anywhere is actually Millbrae/SFO.
Right-Wing Experts Report Dr. Oz Would Have Had Better Chance of Winning Had He Not Been a Doctor
PHILADELPHIA – As election results came in Wednesday morning to determine whether a renowned TV celebrity, and lesser known doctor, Dr. Oz, would beat John …
Dr. Oz Defeated by Last Minute Surge in Apples
PHILADELPHIA – As polling places shuttered Tuesday night, political analysts emerged with a consensus; “celebrity” “doctor” Mehmet Oz had been trounced in the contest for …
OPINION: Sacramento Is Important
Word is in guys: Sacramento is super important. I mean this state, this country, couldn’t function without the socio-economic powerhouse that is Sac-town. You know …
OPINION: Prop 2048 Is a Joke
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Too toothy.
Too toothy, who?
Two to the eleventh power.
‘I Just Want Lower Gas Prices,’ Says Woman Voting for Candidate Who Will Literally Kill Her
“I just can’t deal with having to pay $5.00 a gallon,” Wright explained after casting a vote for a Republican candidate who will not only not lower her gas prices, but will also strip her of Medicare benefits, Social Security, reproductive rights, freedom of expression, and other fundamental human liberties before executing her via firing squad for crimes against God and the state in 2032.
BREAKING: More Midterms
BERKELEY, Calif. — Every registered voter at Cal over the age of 18 has an opportunity to vote by November 8th at 8:00 PM, and …
Stylish! Boy Cuffed His Pants Today
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a groundbreaking display of finesse and style, Berkeley student Ryan Story cuffed his pants. “I mean, yeah, I just threw this …
Student Who Joined Club Realizes They Have to Actually Contribute Now
Freshman Edgar Fontaine, after staring at a blank, blindingly white Google Docs document for 2 hours, came to the grappling realization this evening that the club he recently joined entails doing actual work.
US Loses Brazilian Presidential Election
São Paulo, Brazil – In a highly contested election, the United States has officially lost its re-election to Lula de Silva, despite multiple destabilization efforts, …