BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal Freshman Lucca Wallace was rudely awakened in a Unit 3 dorm by her bottom bunk rhythmically shaking this past Tuesday. Sources …
The Polar Bears Are Dying but Here’s a Whole Article About the Time I Watched ‘Freaky Friday’ on Cable
BERKELEY, Calif. – After a summer of record-breaking heat waves, intense hurricanes, and massive floods around the world, climate scientists are unanimous in agreement that …
OPINION: Boy Riding Bike With No Hands is Very Cool
His technique was clinical. The boy and the bike flew together in harmony. The velocipede had become univocal in the man’s being. He’s probably a Rhetoric major.
This Article Was Written Entirely by AI
BERKELEY, Calif. – After years of begging for disability accommodations, campus super senior Ash Jensen was miraculously cured of their chronic illness when their philosophy professor proclaimed that they were a failed econ quiz.
‘3,’ Reports Random Number Generator
“3,” Best Random Number Generator declared in an official statement last Friday. The report marks a notable shift from Best Random Number Generator’s previous statements: “12,” “46,” and “7.”
Uh Oh: Brown Boys Everywhere Have a New Person That Their Parents Will Compare Them To
“I keep trying to tell my mom that Rishi Sunak is just another corporate-backed austerity fiend who will defund public programs and oppose organized labor, but all she sees is a ‘good Indian boy’ who is Prime Minister while I am not,” said EECS student Daniel Anthony.
Advisor Places Hold On My Hand
BERKELEY, Calif. – Members of the Applied Satire department were mortified early Wednesday morning to discover the floating Orb of Doom (no, not the Evans one) in the upper right-hand corner of CalCentral: a Hold on their account.
3 Pumpkin Spice Recipes to Spice Up Your Life As a Single English Major With Multiple Cats
Fall is in the air. You can feel it. Leaves change from a summer-y, Michael’s sage-scented candle green to a dark, Homegoods Halloween candle orange. The air turns just brisk enough to bring out your regular black stockings instead of your fishnet ones, and the trees along Sproul Plaza start looking like the Whomping Willow from the Harry Potter smut you love to read.
Inspiring! Berkeley Alumni Make Next Big Social Media App That Will Inevitably Somehow Cause the Rise of Fascism
“We were both EECS majors so we never left our dorms but then also wallowed in self pity because we were lonely. And that’s where GenSite began, to connect people in the modern age. Of course, it was originally more for incels like us to complain about how women wouldn’t fuck us but we’ll pretend we have any semblance of morality when we become so big that we have to pretend we regulate content.”
5 Things Scarier Than Seeing ‘View Graduation Checklist’ on CalCentral
Are you actually graduating? Will you be able to function in a 9-5 work environment? Didn’t you start college like two weeks ago? What the fuck is going on? In honor of keeping up with the spooky senior spirit, here are 5 things scarier than seeing “View Graduation Checklist” on your CalCentral.