Lust is in the air! With cuffing season impending, it’s time to spice up the ~sexy time~ with your partner of choice with whom you have strategically avoided the topic of Roe v. Wade. Here are four sex positions to make you feel fleetingly alive before your life-force is eradicated by the realization that you boinked someone who voted third-party “on principle”!

4.) Missionary:

To perfect this position, lie on your back with your legs wrapped around your sexual partner while they plank on top of you. Sure, it may be a bit conservative, but this tried-and-true position gets the job done more efficiently than former Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan! Try to push your legs as far behind your head as possible, simultaneously reaching hot new angles and making your thighs serve as earmuffs to block out any indication that the person you’re fucking is a constitutional originalist un-ironically.

3.) Missionary With Strong Eye Contact As You Try To Look For A Sign That Your Political Views Could Be As Compatible As You Two Are, Sexually:

You naughty minx! You’re a glutton for punishment, aren’t you? For an intimate variation of classic missionary, add an emotional element through sustained eye-contact during sexual intercourse. Gazing into your lover’s eyes will make the sex even hotter, as you try to read the windows to his soul for a sign, really, God, any damn sign, that he prefers The Daily Show to Fox News.

2.) Missionary With A Blindfold After You Notice The Shrine To Ronald Reagan In His Room:

Bring out both of your kinky sides by introducing a blindfold into your missionary sex! The sight deprivation will heighten your other senses, making his every touch set you on fire, while also conveniently allowing you to ignore the shrine to Ronald Reagan in his room. For another sexy twist, add a gag as well so you can’t ask him how he can possibly idolize Ronald Reagan given the failure of trickle-down economics and the fundamental betrayal of the American people that was the Iran-Contra scandal.

1.) Unreciprocated Oral:

He really wants tax rates to go down, but he’ll settle for you doing it.

You can’t go wrong with these great sex positions. Plus you can’t forget that all of these will be spiced with the constant “have you cum yet?” every 3 or so…. seconds.

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