Rhetoric 103B Professor Tina Gray made sure her class knew she was not, in fact, sad to be single on Valentine’s day, but rather, displaying her devotion to the thoughts and ideas of the late and great Karl Marx. During the lecture, many of her students poignantly noticed that she decided to take off the wedding ring she had worn the entire semester for the controversial holiday.

“Now, I know that many of you have been wondering about my personal life during our time together,” Gray stated matter-of-factly, ignoring the immediate discomfort of the room who had very much not been wondering. “I want you all to know that Valentine’s Day acts as a metaphor for our oppressive, capitalist society. I did not take off my ring because Jared forgot to buy me a gift. I took it off as a political statement against blood diamonds, corporations, the media, and big pharma.”

She paused, seemingly waiting for applause or any type of validation from the students who “have been like a family to her during this difficult time.” She was met with silence as one brave student got up to leave the lecture. “I just couldn’t take it anymore,” said sophomore George Thayer, “it’s not that I don’t agree with what she’s saying, I just don’t think that she honestly even believes herself. She obviously wanted Jared to buy her a gift. I can’t stand all these closet-capitalists.”

This isn’t the first time Gray has spilled her personal life into her teaching.

“One time she brought this dog into class, and the police eventually came in and escorted her out of the room. Apparently, it was some type of pet-hostage situation between her and Jared. The weirdest part was how she tried to tell us that rescue shelters contributed to the oppression of animals in the same way that corporations oppress humans. The whole thing was muddled and confused,” reported freshman Cindy Rios.

Professor Gray barreled on with her lesson, leaving many the same amount of confused they were after the dog situation. “The bottom line is,” shouted Gray, “Jared could have bought me a thousand things. But none of it would have mattered because I obviously would have been more angry with commodity fetishism than lack of romantic thought altogether. Jared obviously knows that. Right? Right?!”

Many students reportedly saw Gray crying as she sent out a bCourses announcement that Office Hours would be canceled for the remainder of the week.

(PSA: After the first few weeks of class, a number of seats have opened up! It’s not too late to sign up for Rhetoric 103B and be even closer to that coveted humanities degree that employers are dying to see!)


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