We’ve all been to a frat party where Brad, Chad, and Dad are just carbon clones of each other. With their above average height, pale skin, and tight fades (we’re not talking about Hitler’s Youth), these frat boys need to do something to standout in the hypersexualized environment we call UC Berkeley. And this past Saturday, Hunter Bradley Earnhardt III did just that, and changed the game… For-e-ver.
The actions of Hunter Bradley Earnhardt III of the Kappa Alpha Order stunned many.
“It was Zete’s first official party in years. I mean, duhhhhhh, of course, something huge was gonna happen,” Ashley Madison, a sister at Pi Phi described the scene. “And all of a sudden I heard gasps!”
Madison, like many other easily-impressed girls, ran over to find Hunter Bradley Earnhardt III of the Kappa Alpha Order doing push-ups… at a party!
“Oh, bro. You just had to be there man. Like, the vibe, it was perfect,” asserted Earnhardt. “I mean all the Kappas were there and, like, bro, genius hit me… I should do push-ups.”
Whether it was truly genius, or merely the weed he smoked earlier, Earnhardt’s idea changed the world of Cal Greek Life.
Kyle (no last name), a brother in Zete was emphatic; “He took our party from just being ‘I don’t know’ to like, better, I guess.”
With all this commotion over his push-ups, Earnhardt knew he was becoming a Frat Legend.
“I try to not let it go to my head. You know? I mean, I’m a brother of the Kappa Alpha Order. We are good-looking, handsome, attractive, humble, did I say good looking?”
We had to pause the interview momentarily because Earnhardt learned that one of our writers was “white and blonde” and immediately starting doing push-ups.
In between grunts of, “Fuck, I’m hot,” we were able to get Earnhardt’s attention, but not until we told him that she was looking (she didn’t care). After such an incredible debut, we asked Earnhardt how he would build on this. “I was thinking,” Earnhardt said for the first time in his twenty-two year-long life, “I’m gonna do two sets of push-ups!”
News of this spread faster than chlamydia on frat row. The entirety of the PHC immediately held an emergency meeting outside of KA’s house. They came set with binoculars and cameras to do an ethnography of “ frat culture.”
All in all, Earnhardt’s move must be respected. Some call it toxic masculinity. But that’s not it, no. It’s a males’ right to impress the opposite gender at an event where everyone looks the same. In a dog-eat-dog world, only the Big Dawg stands on top. And to stand on top, you have to drop down and give the ladies what they want. Some sweet, sweet toxic masculinity.