In recently disclosed information to The Free Peach, it appears as if there is a Nobel Laureate ghost pledging a fraternity here at UC Berkeley. Ghost pledging, a method most often used by athletes who don’t want their coaches to find out they have been consuming irresponsible amounts of alcohol on weekdays, involves completing the pledging process without publicly appearing as a pledge. Seems like it breaks the rules of eternal brotherhood, but these organizations don’t have rules anyway. If a rule is broken in a fraternity and it doesn’t cause national outrage, is it really broken at all? Spooky is right!

When pressed for commentary, the Nobel Laureate responded, “I really want to have a balanced social life while here at UC Berkeley. I was unsure about joining a fraternity because of what the other Nobel Peace Prize winners would think, but I figured I have to do what is best for me, even if that comes with sacrificing some research time generating high-intensity ultrashort optical tweezers for the directed evolution of enzymes for use on Mars. I’ll just make undergrads do it. Plus, I know a kid in the house that went to the high school I graduated from 54 years ago, so I figured [redacted] is a great house that cares about Nobel Peace Prize-winning research.”

Breasted with an accolade awarded to the likes of Marie Curie, Albert Einstein, and Ernest Hemingway, this Nobel Laureate will spend his Spring ’19 semester cleaning brother’s tables of chop ash and smelling salts, retrieving late night Gypsy’s combo calzones and performing calisthenics to loud and repetitive music. Of course, there is also the one-hour mandatory study time on Wednesday nights.

“I’m not too worried about the exercise aspect of pledging, I’ve played on Cal Tech’s club squash team for 26 years before coming here, plus I was on varsity crew in high school back when FDR started the New Deal. In the end, I’m really excited to get to know the guys and have a brotherhood I can count on. Although, all these guys seem like they’re from Southern California, maybe I should pick up a Boosted Board to fit in, dude? Mahalo.”

At press time the Nobel Laureate was seen at Tiv’s grabbing a corned beef hash for breakfast before cruising over to Hildebrand to develop cryo-electron microscopy for super-resolution gravitational waves.


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