ASUC election season is officially here, so it’s time for everyone to lose their shit for the next two months and text every person they’ve ever had any interaction with. However, with so many candidates effectively running with the same platforms (they want to improve Berkeley, but more importantly, their resumes), it’s hard to know who to vote for. That’s why we here at The Free Peach have done an exhaustive and thorough review of some Cal SERVE’s executive candidates. And by exhaustive and thorough, we mean we looked at their announcement photos and made up some shit that feels accurate.

OP: Teddy

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Okay, so right off the bat it’s important to note that all three of Cal SERVE’s executive slate have glasses, while only one out of three of Student Action’s did. So if you’re #teamglasses, these may be the candidates for you. The Free Peach is actually team monocle, but it looks like we have another year of no representation. Other than that, Teddy is rocking a white shirt with no stains, perhaps hinting at a staunchly Pro-Tide-To-Go policy.

AAVP: Reagan

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As The Free Peach is a satire publication, none of our writers has a strong grip on fashion. But we’re pretty sure that this is the future of fashion. They kind of look like Kate Winslet’s character in Divergent, Cal Serving us ultra-modern dystopian business-formal. At least we think its dystopian business-formal, as we’ve really only seen Divergent on an airplane. The details are a little hazy.

EAVP: Varsha

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Last up in this arbitrary ordering of Cal SERVE’s candidates is Varsha. The most important takeaway from their photo is that one of our writer’s exes also had that shirt. We’re serious, it’s the same black shirt with the white leaves that you left at my house three months ago Kelsey. Kelsey if you’re reading this, I look at that shirt every day, just wondering where I went wrong. Did I even go wrong? Were we ever right, or did I just imagine that it was working because I wanted it to?

Oh, but yeah, Varsha’s fine.

Well, that’s our comprehensive review. If you don’t agree with our assessment, we guess you could actually read into the candidate’s platforms, but that seems like overkill. Be sure to check out our other article where we give Student Action’s executive slate the same thorough coverage.

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