BERKELEY, Calif. — Following careful deliberation, UC Berkeley’s Forensics Department has determined that new DNA evidence exonerates me of accidentally taking your GBC order, Kevin.

“We used a variety of samples from the crime scene, ranging from fingerprints to stool samples of the parties involved,” wrote head investigator Brian Wolfe in a press release. “There was absolutely no trace of a disappointing bacon burrito in those turds and trust me, I have a LOT of experience with feces. And I’m not talking just my professional life if you catch my drift,” he continued, clearing my name while also hinting at unnecessary details about his sex life. 

“The incident occurred last week when Kevin McEntire and the suspect entered and ordered from the breakfast menu at the Golden Bear Café at 10:25 AM PST. While McEntire, donning a Golden Girls-themed baseball hat, waited an unusually long amount of time, the suspect left the scene with a wrapped burrito in hand. He was seen wearing faded gym shorts from middle school and a sweatshirt that’s just a zoomed in picture of Newman from Seinfeld,” said UCPD officer and former high school bully Stan Thumbson. 

“While these are the direct facts of the case, it should also be noted that McEntire has a history with the suspect. The latter supposedly borrowed but never returned a Frasier-themed multi-colored pen from McEntire,” continued Officer Thumbson, who clearly doesn’t understand that I never borrowed that Frasier pen in the first place because I already spent so much time in a five-way eBay bidding war to buy that same pen three years ago so I would never try to take someone else’s. 

“In my professional opinion, this is a clear cut case of sitcom-osis,” CAPS Counselor Sarah Simpson explained. “It’s a psychological phenomena that occurs when two weird antisocial nerds whose entire personality is obsessing over 80s and 90s sitcoms feel a primal need to fight each other for the role of Superior Sitcom Authority instead of making friends.” This analysis, however, does not apply to me as I have actually watched all ten seasons of Friends multiple times. 

At press time, McEntire was reported continuing his life as a lying rat bastard who is just jealous of the fact I know more about sitcoms and have a WAY bigger collection of 90s sitcom-themed merchandise.

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