Posted on by: Tyler Goldstein

Delay in Response Email From Advisor Delayed Due to Delay From Having to Write Too Many Delay in Responses

At press time, Chancellor Christ explained that in order to hire more advisors she would either need to limit the funding going towards research, housing, or lower her own salary. She further explained that all of these options are unacceptable and would go against Berkeley’s values, whereas brutally fighting the system in order to get advice is very much in line with Berkeley culture.

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Posted on by: Abhi Ganesh

OPINION: There is a Man in Your Room 

There is no denying the facts: there is a man in your room. He’s standing over there, right where you usually leave your pile of laundry on your desk chair. Maybe you’re rubbing your eyes wondering if he’s real. He is. Very. He’s about 6’1, slender, and yeah, he’s wearing a tophat. He’s fucking stylish.

We’ve been hard at work formulating the perfect drug. Benadryl™ has been packaged in syrups, creams, chewable tablets, and a wide variety of over-the-counter deliriants. Now, in response to popular demand, we’ve begun adding extra diphenhydramine to each dosage of Benadryl™, the perfect amount to recognize that There Is A Man In Your Room. He Is Next To The Door. Don’t Look At Him. 

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Posted on by: Maya Howard

Eucalyptus Trees aren’t the Only Destructive Force in Berkeley, I Too Look Beautiful But Excrete Flammable Fumes

I’m gonna be real honest with you guys in this article, okay? I’m gonna go too far for sure. I’m gonna go places that I don’t think you want me to go. I’m gonna get gross, that’s the one thing I know. But you’re already here, so sit back, relax, and read an entire article that is a not-so-clever guise for a fart joke.

See, the problem is this: we, the students of UC Berkeley, have a serious hypocrisy problem. We constantly bitch and moan about the “explosive potential” of Eucalyptus trees, as if our explosive potential isn’t just as serious after a GBC breakfast sandwich and Peet’s triple shot espresso.

Like, okay we get it, Eucalyptus trees are invasive, they are disruptive to the native ecosystem and take up far too much space on campus. You wanna talk about invasive? Let’s talk about every New York transplant in Berkeley. They are invasive as fuck. Invasive of my peace. Disruptive and harmful to the California natives with their constant complaining about the inefficiencies of BART. We get it, the subway is way better, shut the fuck up. We get it, you went to “underground” shows in Brooklyn. We get it, you “own a tattoo gun but only really like to do hand pokes”. Yes, I am talking about one specific person and yes, I do believe they are representative of every single New Yorker living in California. Too niche? Have I lost you yet? Hang in there, it’s only downhill from here.

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Posted on by: Valmic Mukund

‘Self-Made’, My Ass: New Evidence Reveals God Was Born to Rich Parents

PEARLY GATES, Heaven—Notions that God created Himself, the Universe, and Everything In It were upended last Friday when an extensive audit of God’s finances revealed that He inherited the majority of His Kingdom from His ultra-wealthy parents.

“For a supposedly ‘self-made’ entity, God sure has a lot of trust funds,” explained IRS Agent Steven Matthews, who was in charge of the audit. “Except for Stonehenge, David Attenborough, my son’s fire R&B mixtape, and the state of Ohio, which are all in fact creations of God, God’s assets are gifts from His parents and thus fall under the purview of the estate tax. Consequently, we will be billing God for $175,000,000,000,000 USD, the oil fields of Afghanistan, and that really sick Pyrus Bakugan that my wife didn’t let me get from Target last Monday.”

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