BERKELEY, Calif. — In a flagrant act of self-contradiction, local hypocrite Cassandra Liu continued to inhale oxygen through her nose while making a complaint about …
Study Finds Saying “Road Work Ahead? I Sure Hope It Does!” Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Violent Death
BERKELEY, Calif. – A study from the Berkeley Institute of Traffic-Related Deaths has found a significant correlation between uttering the phrase “Road work ahead? I …
Berkeley to Have Small College Feel After Court Caps Enrollment at 42,347 People
BERKELEY, Calif. — After a recent court ruling capped UC Berkeley enrollment to 42,347 students, some Cal students are rejoicing that the university will finally …
New Plan To Expand Student Housing Involves Invading Ukraine
BERKELEY, Calif. – The University of California recently announced its opposition to a Russian invasion of Ukraine, citing its own plans to invade Ukraine for …
Evans Demolished to Make Way for Mega Yali’s
BERKELEY, Calif.— The University of California announced this week forthcoming plans to raze the LEGO set with only puke colored pieces known as Evans Hall, …
Sproul Preacher Oddly Familiar With What Hell Looks Like
BERKELEY, Calif. – Sproul preacher Preach Preacher garnered significant attention last Wednesday when he delivered an uncannily-detailed sermon about Hell. “There’s fire everywhere! Everything smells …
Local Indophile Excited to Finally Have 100% Authentic Indian Roommate
BERKELEY, Calif. – Local Indophile Alan Wattaberger was finally able to complete his apartment’s Indian-themed decor this Monday when he acquired a rare, internationally-sourced, fully-authentic …
Astrology Added to Side of VLSB
BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California has decided that, alongside chemistry, biology, and, unsurprisingly, biochemistry, the Valley Life Sciences Building (VLSB) should have a …
If You Didn’t Want to Go Medically Bankrupt, You Should Have Thought of That Before You Got Hit by That U-Haul
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking display of thoughtless neglect, UC Berkeley freshman Hans Dummkopf failed to consider his lack of funds before selfishly getting …
Class No Longer Optional
BERKELEY, Calif. — To the dismay of Cal students, University Chancellor Carol Christ has officially ended the two-week extension of Winter Break and announced that …