BERKELEY, Calif. – After suffering years of abuse from Tap Haus patrons slamming sauerkraut and hotlinks down their gullets, Top Dog announced he had enough. …
The One that Got Away? Gayle King Loses Katy Perry Mid-Space Walk
LOW EARTH ORBIT—In an unprecedented turn of events aboard a Blue Origin tourist flight, broadcast journalist Gayle King lost track of singer and spiritual herbalist …
Heroic Pedestrians Cross on Red to Prevent Reckless Drivers from Going on Green
BERKELEY, Calif.– A group of fearless students recently took a stand against the “tyranny of cars” at the infamous intersection of Bancroft and Telegraph Avenue …
Rich Lyons Announces All Construction Will Be Finished The Semester After You Leave
BERKELEY, Calif. – For students growing weary of Cal’s recent construction bonanza, administrators have finally promised an end in sight. Unfortunately, that date is, miraculously, …
The Free Peach’s 2025 ASUC Election Endorsements
BERKELEY, Calif. – With one of the largest pools of power hungry maniacs, kids who peaked as high school student body presidents, and self-important resume-padding …
White Boy Tech Decks Over Collapsed Grandma
BERKELEY, Calif.– Last Wednesday, “White Boy of the Month” award recipient and local drywall menace Xavier Kyle, 26, reportedly set a new record by landing …
‘Immigration is Out of Control,’ Says Frat Brother Who Terrorized Cabo on Spring Break
CABO SAN LUCAS – Despite spending his spring break actively harassing Cabo San Lucas residents and exploiting all their local resources, Chi Psi brother Mag …
BREAKING: The Free Peach Under Investigation By Federal Government
BERKELEY, Calif. — Since President Trump’s inauguration, academic and journalistic institutions have been repeatedly attacked for failing to comply with the new administration’s expectations. While …
Making the Founders Proud! University of California Changes Hiring Policy to “Whites Only”
OAKLAND – After enacting a ban on diversity related statements in their hiring process, the University of California administration has announced that, in order to …
ICE-UD? Trump to Install Immigration Checkpoints at the Cervix
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to legal pushback against his executive order ending birthright citizenship, President Trump has issued a new order installing immigration checkpoints at the …