BERKELEY, Calif.— In anticipation of this Saturday’s game day, the University of California, Berkeley has purchased the Alta Bates Summit Medical Center as a new dorm for alcohol poisoned teens.
“At this point, it just makes sense. Inevitably, dozens of Berkeley freshmen will end up ‘puking their guts out’ in Alta Bates tomorrow. We’ve made the choice to simply purchase the building long term,” said UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ.
UC Berkeley has been dealing with a long term housing crisis, but Alta Bates has graciously housed hordes of alcohol poisoned freshmen every weekend each semester.
“We’re happy they’ve been helping out with the drunkest and stupidest demographic on campus, and we’re excited about this new partnership,” Christ said.
Alta Bates will still operate as an emergency room after the acquisition.“Yeah, I’ve spent a couple of weekends at Alta Bates,” said freshman Wyatt Hodges. “I’m excited to move my stuff in and make it a permanent home. It will make my life a lot easier.”
Some parents disagree.
“The university is basically giving a green light for binge drinking,” said Cal mother, Linda Davis.
Christ, however, defended the position: “Freshmen are going to get wasted and they’re going to end up in Alta Bates anyways. This way, we can take care of these idiots as while alleviating the housing crisis. It’s a win-win.”