“If I had an STD, I would know it,” said Hawthorne. “It’s not like STDs are some invisible cancer you can accidentally give to other people.”
‘It’s So Cold In The Morning But I’m Sweating By Lunch!’ And Other Small Talk You Can Make With St. Peter At The Gates Of Heaven As He Determines Your Eternal Fate
I’m sure the weather at the Gates of Heaven is quite similar to the weather here in Berkeley, so this should be relevant to St. Peter too!
Five Sexy—and Historically Accurate!—Halloween Costumes to Impress Your Crush
Dressing up as Anne Boleyn is a great way to signal to your crush that you’re hot, you could totally secure an alliance with France, and you’re chill with the fact that they’ve already hooked up with your sister.
Alvin, Of “Chipmunks” Fame, Dead of Fentanyl Overdose
“Alvin and the Chipmunks” frontman Alvin Seville was pronounced dead at Cedar-Sinai Veterinary Hospital early this morning after an apparent fentanyl overdose. The acclaimed anthropomorphic chipmunk was 61 years old.
I Talk So Much In Section Because I Must Preserve America’s Democracy: By Every Male Political Science Major
Some people can’t handle the discourse I inspire. Okay, fine, you made me say it – these people are usually women.
ASUC-Inspired Drinking Game: Get Drunk and be Politically Aware
Drink a beer for every person that covers the livestream camera by sitting in front of it and showing their buttcrack.
Help! Ruth Bader Ginsburg Stepped On The Seal And Now I’m Going To Lose My Right To An Abortion
A source from the UC Berkeley Office of Traditions and Curses recently confirmed that since Justice Ginsburg is not an enrolled Berkeley student, the bad luck from this incident will follow her to the court, endangering the right to an abortion for millions of Americans.
8 Reasons Why Vampires Respect Women More Than Cal Fraternity Brothers
Vampires won’t send you an unsolicited dick pic. Even if they tried, you’d probably just receive a phone floating in front of a mirror.
BREAKING: Kanye West Still Included in your Aunt Karen’s list of Satanist Influences Despite Upcoming Release of “Jesus is King” Album
Kanye West never responded to our email requesting a comment. Updates will be added if he chooses to respond. Your Aunt Karen will maintain her commenting regardless, though.
TFP Presents: RuthWatch
As I contemplate the hold that my government has over my rights, opportunities, and access to my own medical services in a land that is supposed to be “free,” I sit and wonder. What is freedom? I close my eyes and think of RBG.