WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the recent TPUSA Stand Up Show-Charlie Kirk memorial hybrid, President Trump announced a list of schools he plans to target next, citing that “they just feel kinda gay.” Among them are UC Berkeley, Brown, NYU and others.
This is the latest in the Trump Administration crackdown on higher education, previously targeting “spiritually Chinese” schools like MIT, Air Force, and Rice University. Schools are split on how to deal with these investigations, with reactions ranging from paying settlements to begging the president really hard.
“These professors, they are indoctrinating these kids into things like rock climbing and picnics,” President Trump announced, “I tell you, even the ‘straight men’ there wear carabeaners. Even our beautiful blondes have added a streak of pink to their hair.”
Campus administrators have avidly denied the allegations of “seeming a little gay.” In response to the allegation, they have cracked down on all gay-adjacent places, such as sorority houses, acapella groups, football locker rooms and American Studies classrooms.
Other actions have been less controversial however, including changing Oski from a hairy bear to a bald eagle, or renaming every building back for the dead, racist, sexist homophobes who paid good money to build this university.
“We have repeatedly told this Administration that we are wholeheartedly not gay,” Campus spokesperson Dan Mogulof said. “Any allegedly gay activity that might have occurred on these hallowed grounds are just boys being boys. It is totally normal to slap a platonic pal’s ass or stare longingly into each other’s deep hazel eyes that look like they have a world of secrets to share. Hell, me and Rich Lyons do it all the time!”
All students talked to for the article vehemently deny the allegations of seeming gay, arguing that instead they are merely doing it as a bit. All of them also said nothing is wrong with being gay, “it’s just that they themselves are not gay.”
“Listen, I am like, soooo not fruity,” said ‘straight’ sophomore and SAE member Hyden Closet, “I can’t believe you would ask me such a thing! Like obviously you do you and love is love, but I would never be gay, and that one time was just for hazing! I didn’t really like it… that much.”
The many Berkeley LGBTQ+ organizations were not consulted for this article or in the decision making process. What would they know?