BERKELEY, Calif. – The University of California recently announced its opposition to a Russian invasion of Ukraine, citing its own plans to invade Ukraine for …
Berkeley Mask Mandate Reinstated After Seeing Your Face
BERKELEY, Calif. — After extensive pushback from the local community relating to concerns of corneal damage after seeing your face, the UC Berkeley administration has …
Evans Demolished to Make Way for Mega Yali’s
BERKELEY, Calif.— The University of California announced this week forthcoming plans to raze the LEGO set with only puke colored pieces known as Evans Hall, …
Sproul Preacher Oddly Familiar With What Hell Looks Like
BERKELEY, Calif. – Sproul preacher Preach Preacher garnered significant attention last Wednesday when he delivered an uncannily-detailed sermon about Hell. “There’s fire everywhere! Everything smells …
Local Indophile Excited to Finally Have 100% Authentic Indian Roommate
BERKELEY, Calif. – Local Indophile Alan Wattaberger was finally able to complete his apartment’s Indian-themed decor this Monday when he acquired a rare, internationally-sourced, fully-authentic …
Astrology Added to Side of VLSB
BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California has decided that, alongside chemistry, biology, and, unsurprisingly, biochemistry, the Valley Life Sciences Building (VLSB) should have a …
If You Didn’t Want to Go Medically Bankrupt, You Should Have Thought of That Before You Got Hit by That U-Haul
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking display of thoughtless neglect, UC Berkeley freshman Hans Dummkopf failed to consider his lack of funds before selfishly getting …
Professor Requires Students to Buy Tiny, Homunculus Clones of Him from Copy Central
“Textbooks are bulky, expensive, and information-bloated, so I’ve sent off only the key information to get duplicated at Copy Central,” Professor Sirico wrote on page 12 of his 53-page course syllabus. “For about $20, you can pick up a copy of me who knows all the course content. He will not, however, know basic stuff like toilet training or which fork goes where at fancy dinner parties, so teaching that to him is on you. In fact, his ability to use the toilet is going to be worth a quarter of your final grade. Good luck!”
Class No Longer Optional
BERKELEY, Calif. — To the dismay of Cal students, University Chancellor Carol Christ has officially ended the two-week extension of Winter Break and announced that …
Biden Infrastructure Bill Enables Berkeley to Finally Build a Second Two-Way Street
BERKELEY, Calif. — Anticipating infrastructure improvements from President Biden’s Build Back Better Act, Berkeley Mayor Jesse Arreguín has promised to use the new funding to …