“I came as fast as I could!” exclaimed Cooper distraughtly the next morning, normally an expert at coming quickly. “I am extremely passionate about Duffling, and I feel great defeat that I was beat in this challenging race. As it’s written in neon lights outside our homebase, ‘Duffl Fucks,’ but last night, I feel as if I got fucked, hard.”
Exciting! Rihanna Explores Another New Career Path by Pursuing Music
LOS ANGELES – Robyn Rihanna Fenty, most commonly known as Rihanna, demonstrated her entrepreneurial spirit again by venturing into an industry she’s never explored before – the music industry.
Matt Walsh DESTROYS Liberal Empty Seat at UC Berkeley Event
After his speech, Walsh opened the floor for discussion among an incredibly diverse and lively audience who appeared to have dressed up identically as rows of vacant chairs.
‘Who?’ Asks Average Berkeley Student Regarding Matt Walsh Campus Visit
After an announcement that conservative political commentator Matt Walsh would “anger the liberals” by visiting UC Berkeley to promote his film, “What is a Woman?”, thousands of students have responded by asking: “Who is Matt Walsh?”
‘We Made It Out The Trenches,’ Says White Boy From Piedmont
“It was hard growing up in Piedmont. It wasn’t easy telling people where I was from, and having them tell me, ‘You must have a lot of money’, or ‘Damn, how many cars do you own?’”
Impressive! This Rich White Guy is ‘Getting Into Cooking’
“The kitchen is my happy place,” Rickman said while stuffing half-a-grand worth of Berkeley Bowl groceries into his fridge. “There’s just something magical about the culinary arts.”
OPINION: It’s Not Actually That Cold Right Now
Can’t feel your face? Weak. Your fingers falling off? Use your toes. You can’t hear out of your ears? You don’t use them anyway.
Forget Big Tech! The Devil Buys Souls for $200K Base, Plus Perks
HELLICON VALLEY, Underworld — In response to plummeting gluttony and pride caused by high inflation, the Devil has released soul applications for graduating seniors.
The Next Bill Gates? My Wife Divorced Me
I see Bill and I as kindred spirits — two intrepid, intelligent, inspiring explorers braving the vast and unfamiliar world of family court.
Do They Love You Or Did They Just Respond To Your Discussion Post?
BERKELEY, Calif— In a discussion assignment for her Political Science class last Thursday, second-year Sarah Candle responded to fellow classmate Ryan Bower’s discussion post in what absolutely must have been a romantic gesture.
Explaining his totally logical and not insane jump towards being in love with her, Ryan reports: “What else could this mean? I mean, what type of sane person would respond to, let alone acknowledge my political takes unless they were in love with me? Does defending corporate buybacks make me a bootlicker since they come at the direct expense of any productive investment that might actually benefit me? No. It makes me a patriot. Finally, someone recognizes me for the genius I am.”