WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a miraculous gesture of bipartisanship, elected officials of both major political parties managed to put aside their differences to force rail …
I Wrote This Article to Give You a Break From Jokes About Spotify Wrapped
I know what you’re expecting: that this article about not making a joke about Spotify wrapped is just going to be a long winded way of making a joke about Spotify wrapped. But worry not, dear reader, I am not here to torment you. I am here to give you respite, a blanket and a cup of tea. I am here to say: welcome to a safe space. A haven, if you will, away from the constant and seemingly never ending barrage of funny silly tweets about Spotify wrapped.
New Study Finds You Should Lick Your Salt Lamp at Least Thrice a Day for Proper Maintenance
BERKELEY, Calif. — A new study put out by the UC Berkeley Department of Public Health has determined that despite what your bitchy roomate has …
Lack of End-Of-Semester Photo Dump Positively Correlated With Being a Fucking Loser
“While this might have been something that was intuitive, it was truly eye opening to see a concrete association between being a socially inept, uninteresting, unappealing, isolated, lonely individual and lacking a photo dump.”
‘At Least I’m Not a Business Major’ Says Econ Major Who Also Sucks
“I mean, obviously business majors are a menace to society but Joseph is also one of the biggest douchebags I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting. One time he tried to correct the professor by standing up in the middle of class and saying that we should tax the rich less because they’re smarter,” stated Smith’s classmate Cecilia Su. “We weren’t even talking about taxes either. It was super awkward because no one acknowledged him and he also wouldn’t sit back down.”
UC Regents Respond to COLA Demands with Six-Pack of Pepsi
“The Chancellor kept acting like handing us a Pepsi was going to completely solve the strike. I have no idea who gave her that idea – I mean it feels like some high-power Madison-Avenue marketing bull.”
‘It’s Giving Birth,’ Reports Midwife TikTok Influencer
BERKELEY, Calif. — In the Northside Safeway earlier today, 32-year old Uma Bilikel’s water broke while grocery shopping. The 9-months pregnant woman was picking up …
‘Hey! My Eyes Are Down Here!’ Says Short King
BERKELEY, Calif. – “Hey! My eyes are down here!” teased your mildly shorter-than-average friend, Roland Smalls, after seeing you look over his head at something …
Checkmate, Liberals: If I Have ‘White Privilege,’ Why Does Nobody Like Me?
It’s actually quite hilarious that lefties think I have “white privilege” because in reality I am the furthest thing from “privileged.” In fact, I’m a total fucking loser with no friends, colleagues, or classmates who even remotely like me.
How to Repent for All Those Construction Paper Pilgrims You Made in Elementary School
“In honor of Thanksgiving, I’m going to have you all make decorations out of construction paper that are wildly insensitive if not flagrantly racist. Luckily, you won’t realize that they are until several years from now when your educators finally stop lying to you about the atrocities of our country’s history.”