If I want to steal one of those gentrifier metal stools from Super Duper Burgers or between 10-33 of the VLSB dinosaur bones, I should be able to. After all, I am the protagonist and everything is part of MY movie. But for some reason, according to an email from the office of Carol Christ, I’m apparently “banned from every restaurant, store, and classroom in the Berkeley metropolitan area for obvious reasons.”
REPORT: Nobel Laureate Really Sucks at Parking
Do you recall the Loma Prieta earthquake of 1989? The Little Ice Age? The Big Bang? No, no, of course you don’t. You have never seen truly terrible parking.
Holy Shit: GSI Just Cursed in Front of His Students Because He’s Chill Like That
BERKELEY, Calif. – Jaws and pencils hit the floor today when GSI Daniel Leaver dropped an f-bomb in front of his students, signaling far and wide that yeah, he’s pretty effing chill.
OPINION: My Tummy Hurts and I Really Need Someone to Care About It
If I don’t make it, let these, my last words, make their way to the public and let the public know that today, they lost a brave soldier. (But also if someone brought me some Tums or something I might be fine?)
Five Irish Jigs That Will Definitely Get You Her Snapchat
There’s no wrong place to bust out a good old Irish jig. Think about it—when was the last time you thought, “why is that person polka dancing in the middle of Sproul?” That’s right, you haven’t! We know life gets busy, which is why we took the time to compile the top five jigs that are guaranteed to get you her Snapchat.
Carol Christ’s ‘Undercover Boss’ Episode Canceled Due to Waitlist Status
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite her passion for the show, Carol Christ will no longer be participating in ‘Undercover Boss’ as she never managed to get off the waitlist for any of her classes.
The Naked Run 2: I Forgot to Take a Towel to the Dorm Shower
Campus janitorial services commended the new tradition: “We’re all for a new Naked Run 2 between the shower and your dorm,” mused Leon Tchotchke, head custodian of Bancroft Library. “You know how many of those little Febreeze wall-plug thingies it takes to get out the Computer Science musk alone out of our paperbacks? That’s without even considering the full hazmat setup we have to use after the PoliEcon kids make their rounds. Just wear the aluminum deodorant guys–ANY deodorant.”
QUIZ: Answer These Questions and We’ll Guess How Much Money You Currently Have in Your Bank Account
Please submit all responses to thefreepeach@gmail.com.
You Won’t Believe What This ASUC Senator Did!
Scandal alert? Check out these 6 crazy things this ASUC Senator did (you won’t believe number 4!)
1. Eat an apple.
University Bans Electric Skateboards and Scooters Due to “Excessively Annoying Vibes”
“Due to an abundance of excessively annoying vibes, and incidents of lesser importance like civilian deaths, use of the following is henceforth banned on campus: electric skateboards, scooters, and any human-operated vehicle that travels at a velocity only appropriate for the German Autobahn,” the Chancellor’s Office announced in their official statement.