Scandal alert? Check out these 6 crazy things this ASUC Senator did (you won’t believe number 4!)
1. Eat an apple.
You Won’t Believe What This ASUC Senator Did!
University Bans Electric Skateboards and Scooters Due to “Excessively Annoying Vibes”
“Due to an abundance of excessively annoying vibes, and incidents of lesser importance like civilian deaths, use of the following is henceforth banned on campus: electric skateboards, scooters, and any human-operated vehicle that travels at a velocity only appropriate for the German Autobahn,” the Chancellor’s Office announced in their official statement.
Awkward! I Just Ran Over Someone I Haven’t Spoken To Since Middle School
Kenneth is definitely giving off ‘please-go-away’ vibes. He hasn’t made eye contact with me the entire time I’ve been standing here. In fact, his eyes (and every other part of him) haven’t moved at all for the last several minutes. I get it; it’s really weird to meet someone again after such a long time apart. Guess this is my cue to leave.
Class Announcements on Ed but Not Edd or Eddy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following the announcement that UC Berkeley would officially transition from Piazza to EdStem for course communications, students and faculty are outraged as …
Excuse Me? Only Congress Can Declare A Thumb War
Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say to me, you fascist piece of shit? If I heard you correctly (and believe me, I …
‘There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question’ Says Professor Who Hasn’t Heard What I’m About to Ask
BERKELEY, Calif. – Professor Gordon Lievschitz began his class this past Monday with the reassuring phrase, “there’s no such thing as a stupid question,” in …
The Most Accurate Horoscopes Ever
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will not have another birthday.
British Museum Miraculously Understands How to be Respectful to a Dead Body
LONDON, United Kingdom – On Thursday, members of the British government were saddened to learn about the loss of a revenue stream also known as …
Ugly Students Protest the Tearing Down of Evans Hall in Solidarity
The protest lasted several hours, and included speeches made by prominent members of the club. The president, amidst roaring cheers from the crowd, made a speech outlining CUCK’s distaste with the university’s decision to tear down Evans Hall. In a dramatic conclusion, he began a lively chant, “Get up! Get down! There’s an ugly movement in this town!” The chant soon caught on, but became muddled as it made its way through the crowd. Dozens of protesters sympathetic to the cause could be heard yelling “Get down! Get down! There’s an ugly member of this crowd!”
New DNA Evidence Exonerates Me of Accidentally Taking Your GBC Order, Kevin
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following careful deliberation, UC Berkeley’s Forensics Department has determined that new DNA evidence exonerates me of accidentally taking your GBC order, Kevin. …