BERKELEY, Calif. – In a stunning revelation, campus sophomore and self-proclaimed social justice warrior Abel Isty discovered that disabled people are, in fact, present on …
Cool Friend Reinvents Hazing
The instant I saw Ash at the party, it was incredible – what a lax guy! Immediately he gave me a PBR, and then another, and then another, and then a couple more warm ones that he pulled out of his pocket; I was 3 months sober, but he knew I just needed to crack a brew and relax!
CNR Student Provides Expert Opinion: We Really Needed This Rain
Many are calling UC Berkeley’s College of Natural Resources student Karly Mandel a hero after her comments about the importance of the recent rainfall in the Bay Area. Sources report that Mandel is currently enrolled in ESPM 15, Intro to Environmental Science, where she has become well versed in the enormously complex concepts at hand.
Study Finds Most Successful Berkeley Student Just Robot With No Emotions, Hobbies, Family, Friends, Desires, Trauma, Opinions, or Values
BERKELEY, Calif. – Professors in UC Berkeley’s Department of Psychology appeared flabbergasted this past week when results of their research on characteristic success of Berkeley …
Haas Student Wearing Everyday Outfit Wins Contest for ‘Best Bloodsucking Parasite’ Costume
BERKELEY, Calif. – At an ASUC Superb event this weekend, undergraduate business student Michael Kochnoffer took home the grand prize in a Halloween costume contest …
Cult Member Not Pulling Their Weight in Group Sacrifice Project
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite being a long-standing follower of the controversial Happy Fun Time Feelings Always organization (HFTFA), cult member Daniel Coventry has been totally …
Haunted House? Moaning Heard From Your Mom’s Room Whenever I Come Over
“Yeah kid, I don’t know what to tell you. We tried communicating with the spirit by yelling out, ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT?’ and it said, ‘I want it right there.’”
BREAKING: 5.1 Magnitude Earthquake Actually due to Roommate Masturbating in the Top Bunk
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal Freshman Lucca Wallace was rudely awakened in a Unit 3 dorm by her bottom bunk rhythmically shaking this past Tuesday. Sources …
The Polar Bears Are Dying but Here’s a Whole Article About the Time I Watched ‘Freaky Friday’ on Cable
BERKELEY, Calif. – After a summer of record-breaking heat waves, intense hurricanes, and massive floods around the world, climate scientists are unanimous in agreement that …
OPINION: Boy Riding Bike With No Hands is Very Cool
His technique was clinical. The boy and the bike flew together in harmony. The velocipede had become univocal in the man’s being. He’s probably a Rhetoric major.