PHILADELPHIA – As polling places shuttered Tuesday night, political analysts emerged with a consensus; “celebrity” “doctor” Mehmet Oz had been trounced in the contest for …
OPINION: Sacramento Is Important
Word is in guys: Sacramento is super important. I mean this state, this country, couldn’t function without the socio-economic powerhouse that is Sac-town. You know …
OPINION: Prop 2048 Is a Joke
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Too toothy.
Too toothy, who?
Two to the eleventh power.
‘I Just Want Lower Gas Prices,’ Says Woman Voting for Candidate Who Will Literally Kill Her
“I just can’t deal with having to pay $5.00 a gallon,” Wright explained after casting a vote for a Republican candidate who will not only not lower her gas prices, but will also strip her of Medicare benefits, Social Security, reproductive rights, freedom of expression, and other fundamental human liberties before executing her via firing squad for crimes against God and the state in 2032.
BREAKING: More Midterms
BERKELEY, Calif. — Every registered voter at Cal over the age of 18 has an opportunity to vote by November 8th at 8:00 PM, and …
Stylish! Boy Cuffed His Pants Today
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a groundbreaking display of finesse and style, Berkeley student Ryan Story cuffed his pants. “I mean, yeah, I just threw this …
Student Who Joined Club Realizes They Have to Actually Contribute Now
Freshman Edgar Fontaine, after staring at a blank, blindingly white Google Docs document for 2 hours, came to the grappling realization this evening that the club he recently joined entails doing actual work.
US Loses Brazilian Presidential Election
São Paulo, Brazil – In a highly contested election, the United States has officially lost its re-election to Lula de Silva, despite multiple destabilization efforts, …
REPORT: You Just Had To Be There
BERKELEY, Calif. — According to recent reports regarding the incident that happened last Friday on Sproul Plaza, you really just had to be there.
“Honestly, there’s no way written journalism can adequately capture what happened,” declared Valmic Mukund, the Free Peach journalist who was in charge of investigating the incident. “Like, I could try to talk about it, or maybe draw some pictures, but regardless, you would lose so much critical context that it wouldn’t be worth it. Anyway, don’t you have better things to do than read a shitty article about some event on campus? Go take a walk, hang out with a friend, call your mom, do your homework, or something. Hell, if you’re really interested in what’s happening on Sproul Plaza, you could always just go there.”
Berkeley Startup ‘Tinder For Friends’ Not Affiliated With Tinder, Also Not Affiliated With Friends
“Out of a sample size n, where n = 589 undergraduates, we have found exactly 0 correlations between using ‘Tinder for Friends’ and our variable f, defined as f = having friends. Actually this isn’t entirely true––we found a negative correlation. I mean are you so shocked? This is an app that has the marketing strategy of a millennial Instagram meme account, which is to say it capitalizes on that image of Elon smoking that ‘Apartheid Emerald Mine’ strain zaza. I mean who is the market for this? Elon Musk fans? I mean they could definitely use more friends I suppose…”