“The kitchen is my happy place,” Rickman said while stuffing half-a-grand worth of Berkeley Bowl groceries into his fridge. “There’s just something magical about the culinary arts.”
OPINION: It’s Not Actually That Cold Right Now
Can’t feel your face? Weak. Your fingers falling off? Use your toes. You can’t hear out of your ears? You don’t use them anyway.
Forget Big Tech! The Devil Buys Souls for $200K Base, Plus Perks
HELLICON VALLEY, Underworld — In response to plummeting gluttony and pride caused by high inflation, the Devil has released soul applications for graduating seniors.
The Next Bill Gates? My Wife Divorced Me
I see Bill and I as kindred spirits — two intrepid, intelligent, inspiring explorers braving the vast and unfamiliar world of family court.
Do They Love You Or Did They Just Respond To Your Discussion Post?
BERKELEY, Calif— In a discussion assignment for her Political Science class last Thursday, second-year Sarah Candle responded to fellow classmate Ryan Bower’s discussion post in what absolutely must have been a romantic gesture.
Explaining his totally logical and not insane jump towards being in love with her, Ryan reports: “What else could this mean? I mean, what type of sane person would respond to, let alone acknowledge my political takes unless they were in love with me? Does defending corporate buybacks make me a bootlicker since they come at the direct expense of any productive investment that might actually benefit me? No. It makes me a patriot. Finally, someone recognizes me for the genius I am.”
Shit: More People Think They Deserve Rights
BERKELEY, Calif. – In an unforeseen turn of events, yet another group of people who have been treated unfairly now think they deserve to not …
Anticipating Strike, UC Proposes Last-Ditch Raise Based on 1940s Rent Prices
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a vote on Oct. 26 whose turnout shattered historical U.S. election records, almost 50,000 Academic Student Employees (ASEs) across the University …
OPINION: Sorry I Didn’t Pay the Rent, I Have an Avoidant Attachment Style
I appreciate that she’s a great texter but it’s not my fault I’m avoiding her. To put it succinctly: I run away when people get close to me.
REPORT: Midnight Train Going Anywhere Headed to Millbrae/SFO
“Don’t Stop Believing,” Journey’s seminal, ‘80s anthem, has long stupefied the world of music scholarship with the cryptic midnight train going anywhere. However, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley have, through a grueling investigation, determined that anywhere is actually Millbrae/SFO.
Right-Wing Experts Report Dr. Oz Would Have Had Better Chance of Winning Had He Not Been a Doctor
PHILADELPHIA – As election results came in Wednesday morning to determine whether a renowned TV celebrity, and lesser known doctor, Dr. Oz, would beat John …