BERKELEY, Calif. – Sophomore Bridget Martin wanted to be a computer science major, but due to the high tuition costs for out-of-state students, she has …
Berkeley’s Hottest New Indie Band Actually Just MacBook Overheating
“It’s hard to describe. It’s just so ethereal. But I think it’s because she seems to come from this great line of independent, vanguard artists who exist at the forefront of experimental music. I can’t really do it justice but I’d say it’s like Gorillaz if Damon Albarn was a sensitive English major from Canada. So Grimes I guess, but more tinged with the concussive moodiness of Aphex Twin and the hypnotic transcendent quality of say, Tame Impala (which, if you didn’t know, is also a one person band). You’ve probably never even heard of half these artists, but trust– if you knew them, you’d get it. Maybe if more people actually grew up and developed their music taste instead of listening to whatever Spotify puts on their Top 100 playlist, then artistry like that wouldn’t go under appreciated. But continue supporting your industry plants or whatever.”
Too Woke? This Poli Sci Class Is Making Me Wake Up at 8:00 AM
At 8:00 AM, I don’t even have the energy to rebut every single one of the Professor’s points or talk over all of my female classmates. How can I be an effective student of politics if I’m too sleep-deprived to explain why straight white men are the most oppressed group in America?
Recession Watch: We’re Down to 3 Yali’s Cafes on Campus
BERKELEY, Calif. – The chilling wind of economic crisis has swept upon Berkeley, and it seems that the University has left its thrifted, Shattuck-Crossroads windbreaker …
Clark Kerr Skeleton Evicted After Tuition Non-Payment
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a dormitory-wide email recently, UC Berkeley Housing notified some of the campus community that they had discovered “what is believed to …
Where Are They Now? The Teletubbies Sun Baby Found in New January 6th Footage
“I’m still trapped in my giggling yellow spiky circle cage but now it’s a metaphorical cage made by Sleepy Joe and George Soros.”
Lonely UC Berkeley Seal Just Wants a Hug, or Any Touch Really
As the semester comes to a close, the official UC Berkeley seal outside Moffitt has sadly reported it received no physical contact this past year and that students were actively avoiding it. Though ideally seeking a hug, the seal has stated that even being stepped on by a fresh Reebok would be a pleasurable alternative.
Maturity? I Framed One of My Posters
“It’s like watching my son go through puberty in one night – from little league straight to whacking home-runs on more steroids than contained in an asthmatic inhaler,” stuttered my hornswoggled housemate, Dylan Hamuy. “I mean you should have seen the state of the room before this; it was a tasteful, subdued mix of stolen traffic signs and FedEx-printed low-res jpegs pasted to the walls, with some under-exposed polaroids peppered in for flavor. But now? We’re looking at the big leagues. That’s right, frames have hit the room!”
Skip the Wait: Durant Taco Bell Introduces Ticketmaster Order Presales
“You just pick an order you might want weeks ahead and confirm your presale on Ticketmaster. There’s a 15% chance your order gets placed, and Ticketmaster only takes a portion worth double the meal price. It’s a steal, really.”
Local Nice Guy Still Single After Sending Ten Girls a ‘Good Morning’ Group Text
“I lift seven days a week, hold the door open for people, and call women ‘women’ and not ‘females.'”