BERKELEY, Calif. — After cycling through a series of diets composed of raw meat, protein powder, and crayons, fitness enthusiast and influencer Ben Husslin has …
New Forbes ‘30 Under 30’ Just List of Landlords
“Personally, I bought my duplex using a loan whose interest and principal my tenants are paying off through their $3500/month [soon to be $4000/month] rent. This way, I can pay off all my debts and make a hefty 30% profit while contributing absolutely nothing to society.”
Lucky! Philosophy Major’s Oversized Turtleneck Muffles the Annoying Ass Sound of His Voice
“Speaking here in corollary with the strict criteria theory at play rather than in juxtaposition to the dynamic existential argument, I consider your intrinsically hyperlexical perspective thought experiment to be nuanced, reflexive, and sound. In other words, based.”
Berkeley Student Unable to Enroll in Happiness Until Phase 2
BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley senior Cameron Hall found himself in a predicament faced by many when he was unable to enroll in basic human happiness …
Self-Care Hack! Don’t Eat or Sleep or Rest At All Until Your Body Completely Shuts Down
According to the mother of the “sick self-care” movement, student influencer Alyssa Lin, the hack only has one simple step: “Just focus on the other things in life, and your body will manifest its own health,” said Alyssa. “Inner body saunas will raise your temperature to a nice factory reset level, and that’s when your body will take over and make the manual rest.”
UC Regents Hire Michael Drake’s New Stepbrother, Michael Josh
SAN DIEGO – UC Regents assembled at UCSD on Monday, prepared to deliver paradigm-shattering news to current UC faculty. Without hesitation, Regent Chair Rich Leib …
A Carol Christ Email Drinking Game
Here’s a drinking game to help you get through Dead Week and all of Carol T. Christ’s absolutely necessary emails.
‘Is This How Happy I Should Be?’ Asks Student After Three Weeks of Not Attending Class
BERKELEY, Calif. – With the University of California still denying the majority of graduate student employees basic rights and actively attempting to threaten or block …
Countries Vie for the World Cup Since All the Rest Are in the Dishwasher
DOHA, Qatar – Fans across the world are oscillating in sweaty dive-bars, cooling down sports spectators who are whooping and hollering at yet another World Cup. …
Doctors Hate Her! This Woman Punches Doctors
SAN FRANCISCO – Recent reports have surfaced detailing a woman hated by doctors for reasons entirely unrelated to anti-aging secrets or defiance of traditional medical …