“In honor of Thanksgiving, I’m going to have you all make decorations out of construction paper that are wildly insensitive if not flagrantly racist. Luckily, you won’t realize that they are until several years from now when your educators finally stop lying to you about the atrocities of our country’s history.”
REPORT: I’m Working on Myself in Order to get Someone Else’s Attention
BERKELEY, Calif. – U.C. Berkeley senior Kendra Paltrow (no relation) has changed a lot since Freshman year. She’s picked up meditation, no longer cuts her …
Jesus Denied Entry to Moffitt Without Student ID
“Here I am, the Savior, King of Kings, Shepherd and Bishop of Souls, Alpha and Omega, Son of God, blah, blah, blah, and they seriously won’t let me in without an ID? Whatever happened to nepotism?”
A Failure of the Justice System: Turkey Pardoned by Biden Murders Twelve
“In my thirty-five years of committing horrific injustices, I have never seen an injustice this horrific,” opined Police Chief Rubnock P. Postlethwaite of Brook County, South Dakota (which is hundreds of miles away from Washington D.C. and has no connection to the mass homicide incident). “Honestly, my heart goes out to the families. No turkey should be allowed to go around murdering civilians like that. That’s the job of trained law enforcement.”
Confused Army Recruit Attends Wrong Boot Camp, Now in Twelve-Week Python Fundamentals Course
When Army recruit Jackaby Stonewall first walked through the doors of 415 Mission St. excited to be undervalued by the U.S. military and to complete Basic Combat Training — colloquially “Basic,” or “boot camp,” he had no idea he’d be building his ego, not his body.
Breaking: Student Delivering Condoms on Duffl Scooter Fails to Come Before I Do
“I came as fast as I could!” exclaimed Cooper distraughtly the next morning, normally an expert at coming quickly. “I am extremely passionate about Duffling, and I feel great defeat that I was beat in this challenging race. As it’s written in neon lights outside our homebase, ‘Duffl Fucks,’ but last night, I feel as if I got fucked, hard.”
Exciting! Rihanna Explores Another New Career Path by Pursuing Music
LOS ANGELES – Robyn Rihanna Fenty, most commonly known as Rihanna, demonstrated her entrepreneurial spirit again by venturing into an industry she’s never explored before – the music industry.
Matt Walsh DESTROYS Liberal Empty Seat at UC Berkeley Event
After his speech, Walsh opened the floor for discussion among an incredibly diverse and lively audience who appeared to have dressed up identically as rows of vacant chairs.
‘Who?’ Asks Average Berkeley Student Regarding Matt Walsh Campus Visit
After an announcement that conservative political commentator Matt Walsh would “anger the liberals” by visiting UC Berkeley to promote his film, “What is a Woman?”, thousands of students have responded by asking: “Who is Matt Walsh?”
‘We Made It Out The Trenches,’ Says White Boy From Piedmont
“It was hard growing up in Piedmont. It wasn’t easy telling people where I was from, and having them tell me, ‘You must have a lot of money’, or ‘Damn, how many cars do you own?’”